Surviving Hell
by StephersG
Summary: Jennifer is eager to find her family, she is trapped in Atlanta and has so many regrets about how she left things with them before the outbreak. Her journey takes her on a discovery about herself; she meets people along the way who shape her story, some good and some bad. This is not sticking to the original story arc exactly and I have twisted the plot for dramatic effect.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

I crawl on my hands and knees, my face close to the hot ground as I try to remain hidden from view. The shuffling of feet around me has my stomach churning in knots. I can't take a full breath as I am petrified of them hearing me. My ears are pricked, and I pull myself forwards, remaining as low as I can go. Crawling towards my destination, I sneak a peak up at the mass of dead, wandering bodies that are around me. The turn of my head has me sniffing involuntary at my scent and my throat gags at the putrid, rotting smell. To enable myself to go undetected, I have spread the insides of one of those undead creatures all over me. The act itself had had me spewing my guts up, but I knew that this was the only way that I was going to make my way through the city.

The upturned car ahead that I am heading for gets closer as I drag myself further forward. As I reach it, I pull myself up onto my knees and shuffle quickly behind it, before letting myself sit down briefly, resting my head against the cold hard metal casing of the vehicle. My breath is still caught, and I try to slow down my racing heart. The shuffling continues around me as the walkers aimlessly wander around. I peek out around the corner of my barricade and see that there are possibly more than twenty undead within touching distance of where I sit. My eyes take in my surroundings; the high buildings, the devastation that has been left behind following the outbreak, the empty abandoned vehicles, the littered streets; I am trapped here in Atlanta, trying desperately to escape, trying desperately to survive. I laugh briefly, remembering how much I wanted to come here. I had disobeyed my parents and I had set out to make my own life here. I had hoped that I could make it as a singer, get recognised, become famous. But in all honesty, the six months that I was here prior to the outbreak were the loneliest. I had alienated myself from my family, gone behind their backs and set out to prove them all wrong. And in fact, I had proved how immature I had been. I close my eyes as I try to control the tears that threaten to come. I let my family down so badly. I was selfish and thought that they were stopping me from being who I wanted to be. My Fathers final words still ring in my ears, 'If you leave this house, you will always be on your own. If you leave now, don't you ever come back.' He had wanted me to continue with my medical school degree, but I had other ideas. I had only done one year, but I knew that it wasn't what I wanted.

Tears spill from my eyes and down my cheeks, I wish I could take it all back. The past few months since the outbreak have been so difficult and I am amazed that I am still standing. In the beginning when the outbreak started, I managed to get through the crazed crowds and found refuge in the local hospital. As people ran to escape the city, I chose to stay walled in with enough medical supplies and food to survive. I had hoped that the epidemic would be over in no time and figured it was safer to stay where I was, hopeful that I would be found by the authorities who would come in to save the day. Of course, I had had to fight the undead as they rose from their hospital beds.  
Fighting off creatures that want to chew your flesh was a new experience, but I learnt quickly how to kill them. Bit by bit, I eliminated the walkers from the ward I stayed on. There were only two living people in that hospital, me and a guy who was in a coma whose name was Rick.

I hunted through the hospital for food and drink and stored up as much as I could. When I had got enough for a few months' rations, I blocked up all other doors around the ward that Rick was on. I hoped that in time someone would come and save us. I knew from my short time at medical school how to change catheters and drips, so I continued to look after Rick. I talked to him as though he was talking back and for a while, I really believed that we would be saved. Months went by and I was putting the last drip into Rick's arm when I realised how fucked I was. I knew that nobody was coming, I had run out of food and I knew that at some point I would have to venture out into the scary new world that had been cruelly created. I wrestled with my conscious for so long, knowing that by leaving I was condemning Rick to death, but I knew I had no choice but to put me first.

A noise behind me snaps me out of my light doze and I listen as walkers slam into the other side of the car. I peek again around at them and see that they are trying to get past the barricade. They don't appear to be looking in my direction, but something has got them hyped up. I slink down onto my back, roll over onto my front and look around for my next spot to head to. I shuffle forward as I spot a car about fifty feet ahead of me that has its passenger door open. Keeping my head low, but my ears open I shuffle quickly across the ground. With each move forward, I expect to have a walker on my back, but none seem to notice me as I move. Closer I get to the opened vehicle and I smile as my hand reaches the seat inside the door. I pull myself up, quickly surveying the area around me and sit inside the car before pulling the door closed quietly behind me. I breathe deeply, letting out all the air that I have been holding onto for the past ten minutes.

It has been a few days since I left the hospital, a few days of me fighting to survive. I have camped under abandoned caravans, caught snippets of sleep inside garbage bins and I have eaten whatever I could get my hands on, which hasn't been much of anything, really. My body aches, my eyes are tired, and I feel the pull of sleep as for a moment I feel safe. I look around the interior of the vehicle I am in, pulling an old blanket around me for warmth and comfort. I open the glove compartment and almost cry in happiness as my hands reach in and pull out a full packet of chocolate raisins. I open the packaging greedily and shake the contents into my mouth, relishing the sweet, chocolatey taste. My mouth waters at the surprise taste sensation and I look deeper into the car to see if there is anything else to consume. I spy a half empty bottle of soda in the driver doorway and empty that in one quick swig. Feeling temporarily satisfied I allow myself to relax for a moment, my mind wandering back to Rick. I feel the pull of guilt as I think about how I left him behind. Until the very last minute, I had watched him intently, hoping that there would be sign that he was waking up. But despite the taps I made to his face, and even though I had shamelessly tipped water over him hoping to jolt him out of his coma, he had remained sleeping. As strange as it sounds, Rick had stopped the loneliness that I had been feeling before the outbreak. Looking after him and caring for him had given me a purpose. And I had realised with agonising clarity that my Father had been right all along about the path I should have taken. I should have been a doctor like him. My eyes are tearing up as I think of my Father, the only man in my life who has ever kept me safe. I allow myself to cry, hot tears stream down my cheeks and I feel sadness at how disappointed I had made my Dad. I hope with everything that I have that he and my family are okay. 

…I wake abruptly from my sleep to a tapping noise. My mind is awash with flashes of the dream I was just having; My Father smiling at me, my sisters welcoming me home…. all changing to their disappointed faces and My Mothers tears as I get further and further away from her. Another tapping noise has me blinking back to reality and I freeze to the spot, wandering where that sound is coming from. 

'Hello!'

I turn my head quickly towards the voice and my body jumps in shock as I see a face looking in from the outside on the driver's side. The face belongs to a young man who is wearing a baseball cap. My mind is reeling, I can't breathe. This is the first person I have seen for months and I am unsure whether it is someone who I can trust. 

'Let me in, please?' 

I stare at him unmoving; I hear the words, but I can't figure out whether I should do as he asks or bolt through the passenger door. My eyes roam around the area and I see the mass of walkers have dispersed and now only a few stragglers remain. My eyes come back around and meet the eyes of the guy standing outside the car. Everything in me wants to trust him, I have spent way too much time on my own and I want to not do this on my own anymore, but another part of me is frightened of what might happen if he turns out to be 'untrustworthy'. 

As though he is hearing my thoughts, he takes his cap off showing off an unruly crop of short dark hair. His eyes meet mine and then he smiles. In that moment, I know I can trust him. There is something in his face that tells me that he is a good guy. I reach over and unlock the drivers side door and watch as he places his hat back on his head, before climbing in next to me. 

'Thankyou, it's kind of crazy out there, eh?'

His nose must pick up the scent of my walkers' guts and insides dipped clothing, because he rankles a little; his hand going up instinctively to his mouth and nose. 

I smile nervously back at him and nod, not really trusting myself to speak. I have spent so long on my own, I am suddenly feeling pretty emotional at seeing another person and I feel like I could lose my shit very easily. I don't think he would appreciate me being a blubbering mess. 

'Are you okay?' His hand remains over his mouth and nose, he doesn't trust himself to take another sniff. 

I realise I must speak at some point, unless I want him to think that I am a mute. 

'Yeah, I am fine…I'm sorry, it's been so long since I saw anyone else around here. Anyone not dead, anyway.' 

'I'm Glenn…I was on a supply run and I saw you sleeping here in the car. I thought you were another undead dude at first, but as I got closer, I realised you were very much alive.'

I stare at him, still feeling shocked that another living, breathing, human is sitting talking to me.

'I climbed in for a few moments, I have been crawling along this road for hours and I needed a break…I wasn't intending to fall asleep. I am so tired, I haven't slept properly in days. The lack of food, the heat; its all worn me down.' 

Glenn's eyes wander over my blood covered clothing and I see his brow furrowing in confusion. 

'You're wondering why I look like this, aren't you?' 

Glenn looks up at me and nods. Now, it is his turn to look nervous. 

'I find I can pass through the walkers undeterred if I mask my scent. If I smell like them, they don't bother me, if I pass though carefully. It wasn't easy doing this, I had to cut open a walker and rub the insides all over me….it was so disgusting, but so far it seems to have worked.' 

Glenn laughs and nods approvingly. 

'Well, if it works then fair dos…. but my god, do you honk!' 

Now it is my turn to laugh and as I do, I feel some of the tension crumble away. 

A beeping sound from with the car makes me jump again, and I watch as Glenn pulls a walkie talkie from his belt pocket. 

'Hello.' 

His face remains impassive as he waits for a response and I stare on in amazement; there are more people out there. 

'Boy, are you deliberately pissing about?' 

The voice that comes out is gruff and angry and I wonder at the other people who wait for Glenn to return. 

Glenn rolls his eyes, looking at me briefly. 

'No Merle, I am picking up supplies, like we agreed. I will be back soon.'

The car remains silent as Glenn waits for a response. This is broken by a crackle from the walkie talkie. 

'Just hurry the fuck up, before we all starve to death up here. Come on boy, deliver the food…that's what you are good for isn't it?' 

The owner of the voice laughs a deep, cruel laugh. 

'I will be back soon'. 

Glenn ends the call and returns the walkie to his belt. His eyes search the area and I can see him weighing up his options. Do they include me? 

'I want to take you back with me, not all of the group are arseholes like Merle. I am not sure how he will react to me bringing you back with me, but I don't want to leave you here on your own. We are hoping to head out of the city in time; first we need to gather supplies.' 

I look across at Glenn and see the worry etched on his face. 

'How did you get together with these people?' 

Looking back at me, he smiles widely. 

'Just lucky, I guess!' 

Glenn laughs again, tugging at his cap. 

'I was separated from my family; this whole shitty outbreak has taken so much from me and for a while I was like you, I rattled around this city hoping to find other people. I met up with T-Dog first, then Merle, unfortunately, before we met up with the others. Merle likes to think he is the leader of us all, but he is an arsehole.' 

'He sounds it…I am not afraid if guys like him.' 

I sound more confident than I feel. 

Glenn looks around him again, surveying the area. 

'If you are up for it, then you could come with me. I need to head over and get more supplies but then we could go back to everyone else. Are you up for that?' 

I look at his friendly face and find myself smiling deeply at him. There is not one part of me that doubts the sincerity of this guy. 

'You mean instead of sitting here in this hot car with no food, whilst I smell of dead flesh? Yeah, I think I could be up for that.' 

We both laugh briefly, I feel like I want to embrace him. That is how grateful I am that he has found me. 

Glenn opens his door and gives me a side glance. 

'Are you ready?' 


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

'Who the fuck made you the boss, boy?' 

Glenn looks from me to Merle, who is glowering at us both, his eyes roving up and down my body. My skin feels like it is crawling; this guy gives me the creeps. Everything about him says that he is not to be trusted. Glenn was right when he said that he was nothing but a bully. 

'Merle, we can always do with extra hands to help get us out of the city; what was the alternative? I couldn't leave her sitting there.' 

Merle looks from Glenn back to me, his eyes burning into my skin making me feel anxious. He steps towards me, hands clenched by his sides. He moves closer until his face is inches away from mine. I feel his hot breath on my cheek as he looks down at me and bile rises in my throat when I catch a scent of his breath. Not wanting to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he was frightening me, I force myself to meet his eyes with my own. I will myself to look unbothered by his bullying nature, but I feel my insides crumble as he reaches towards me and grips me around the throat with one of his hands. Instinctively I reach up and grab at his fist, my eyes not showing how scared I am, tears springing up and sliding effortlessly down my cheeks. I hear Glenn beside me as he tries to talk Merle into stopping what he is doing. 

'Girl, I am the boss around here. You will do what I say, when I say…Do you hear me?' 

'Merle, put your dick back in your pants and leave her alone.' 

This voice is from a female and I try to move my eyes towards it. 

Merle releases his grip and smiles at me, before licking at his lips.

'Ahhh, Andrea….I was just having a bit of fun.'

I rub at the spot on my throat where his fingers have been, and I look over towards the blonde woman who is standing behind Glenn. 

Merle is still standing over me and I see him look me up and down. 

'Maybe you could take her to pick out some new clothes, Andrea…. this girl smells like fucking shit.'

I feel the colour rising in my cheeks and I force myself to move away from him, tears still coming.

'Come on,' Andrea says, walking past me, not looking at me, but leading me down some stairs.

We head down into the convenience store below and I follow as she leads me through a side door which goes through into the clothes store next door. 

'I will wait here, go get yourself cleaned up and changed and come back here. Make it quick.' 

There is no kindness in her voice and I feebly mumble a thanks, before heading into the store. Not wanting to piss anyone off, I pick out a pair of denim trousers and a vest top, as well as a chequered shirt. On the back wall, I spy fresh underwear and I head to the back and find a room where I can change. I strip out of my stinky clothes and get dressed quickly, conscious of every minute that ticks by. In the corner I spy a bottle of air freshener and decide to spray myself with that, seeing as I had no alternative. I head back out, feeling a bit less disgusting and spy myself in the mirror. This is the first time in weeks that I have seen myself…my hair is long; usually glossy, now lies flat against my head, greasy and unclean. My eyes are darkened through lack of sleep and my skin is pale. The skin on my lips are cracked and I wander at the pretty girl I used to be.

'Are you done admiring yourself yet?' 

I turn to see Andrea staring at me with a strong dislike. I am guessing Merle isn't the only one who doesn't like me being here. I walk back towards her and she turns before I can respond.

Entering the room above the shops, I head over towards Glenn, the only one who appears friendly and open so far. He smiles as I sit down next to me and smells the air. 

'Do I smell wood pine?' 

I laugh loudly, catching myself off guard. 

'Wood pine with a hint of vanilla, actually.' 

'I am not complaining…it is a vast improvement from 'Eau De Undead'.' 

I laugh again, my tension crumbling. I look around the room and look at the others around me. Merle is nowhere to be seen, which I am kind of happy about. Andrea is in the corner, stealing quick judgemental glances in my direction. T-Dog appears lost in his own thoughts, he is pacing and although he has said hello to me when I came, he hasn't really spoken much else to me. Everyone else looks like they are waiting, but I am not sure what they are waiting for.

'Is there a plan?' 

Glenn looks at me, his eyes skimming the room as though he is checking that it is safe to speak. 

'We are looking at moving out once Merle gives us the go ahead.' 

'And do we need his permission?' 

I realise how brash I am being, and I steal my glance away from Glenn to make sure nobody else has heard me. Glenn doesn't answer me, but I know he heard what I said, do we really need this dickheads permission before we can head off away from the danger?

My hands kneed into one another and I realise I am feeling tired. I yawn and stretch my arms up and above my head.

Glenn eyes me from the side before throwing a worn blanket at me. 

'Go find a corner and get some rest, it could be a while before anything happens here.'

'You sure you don't need me to do anything? I feel like I need to help in some way.'

Glenn smiles at me before pointing into a darkened corner.

'Over there is a good spot, go sleep…when the time comes to move, I will come let you know.'

I take the instruction and head over to the corner; it is hidden behind a tall filing cabinet and looks quite cosy with old blankets and clothing stacked up on top of one another. I don't need much encouragement to rest; within moments of my head laying down I feel the familiar pull and let sleep take me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

I wake abruptly and look around the darkened room, I hear coughing and snoring all around me and I know most of the group are now sleeping too. My senses are heightened, something doesn't feel right…. I am still sleepy, and it takes me a while before I realise that there is a hand clasped to my thigh…a hand that isn't mine. 

Jumping up quickly into a sitting position, I look into the smug face of Merle. He has been sitting near me in the corner and is smiling at me. The smile makes me feel sick and I kick my leg, trying to shake off his hand which feels like it is burning into my skin.

'Hello Girl, I thought I could keep you company over here.' 

His eyes are trailing up and down my body and I feel the bile rise rapidly up from my stomach to my throat. The way he is looking at me makes my skin crawl and I push my back as far into the wall behind me as possible.

'Stay away from me.' 

I know the words come out weak and feeble, but I am trying to figure out how to play this situation. I feel cornered, I feel captured…his hand remains on my thigh and it weighs on me heavily as though it were made of lead. Merle moves himself closer to me and I feel my breath catch, I need help, but I don't want to cause disruption or upset by causing a scene. Closer he gets until his face is inches from mine, his hand has moved higher and I feel paralysed with fear. Inside I am hating myself for not being a fighter; as always, I am weak and unable to defend myself. I think about my sister and how strong she is in character…she has always looked after me…and I wonder at what she would do in this situation.

My hand comes down and clasps over his and I begin to claw desperately to get it off me, but his grip tightens painfully. His eyes are boring into me, his lips open slightly as he licks at his cracked, dry lips. I feel my stomach reacting to the stench of his breath and my mind swims in panic.

'That boy did good bringing you here…A nice piece of ass like you is a welcomed addition.'

I turn my head as his lips close in closer to mine, but he grasps me roughly around the chin, forcing my face back towards him. And then his lips are on me, slimy and rough. I smell him and taste him as he forces his tongue down my throat, making me gag. His hand goes from my thigh and travels up towards my button on my jeans. I struggle against him and use my strength to try and push him off me, but he is stronger than me. Fear is setting in and I realise I am in danger of being raped if I don't act now. His hand travels higher still and he twists painfully at my breasts, causing me to cry out.

'You like that baby?'

The break from his tongue invading my mouth helps me to manoeuvre myself slightly away from him and I use my hands to claw at his face instead. His mouth is still on mine and so I bite his lips hard, tasting blood as I cut deep into the skin. Merle cries out in anger and twists my hair in his fist with one hand before punching me hard in the side of the head with the other.

'You fucking little bitch!' 

I want to respond and fight back by my head is swimming from being punched and I close my eyes against the pain. I hear other voices coming towards us, familiar and I breath in relief before slinking into the welcoming blackness.

'…is she going to be okay?' 

'Of course, she is Glenn, don't worry, you will get your little girlfriend back soon.'

'Merle is a fucking piece of shit.'

'This girl needs to learn to fight if she is ever going to survive this life, Glenn.'

'I will help her. We all had to learn, right? I will teach her what I can.'

'What will you teach her, Glenn? You're just as useless!'

'Andrea, has anyone ever told you that you are a bit of a fucking bitch?'

'T-Dog, has anyone ever told you that you need to mind your own fucking business? What even is this girls name, Glenn?'

'Its Jenni.'

I hear their voices, loud and clear but I can't focus my eyes enough to see them properly. My head is pounding, and I feel nauseous. I try to speak but I feel like I am talking underwater. I open my eyes briefly and look into the worried face of Glenn, the one friend that I seem to have at the moment.

'I am okay…I think…I need to sit up.'

The words come out strained but at least they are clear. I feel hands around my waist helping to lift me up into a sitting position and I shift my focus to the area around me. Where is he?

'If you are looking for Merle, then don't worry, he is up on the roof,' Andrea states, no note of sympathy in her voice. There is an edge to her words; something tells me that this lady doesn't like me very much.

I look at her and breath deeply, trying to process what just happened to me…or nearly happened.

Andrea is still talking, but she is judging me with her eyes, I can see the contempt there and it is making me feel uncomfortable.

'Look, you need to get over it and move on…don't dwell. He tried it on, it didn't work…. let it go.'

The way she says these words is as if he made a slight pass at me, like he just tried his luck briefly. If I hadn't had acted the way I had, then he would have raped me. I want to say this and more but as always, I keep it inside and I nod in agreement. I wish I were a stronger person, I wish I was someone who could argue how I felt, but I will always be the small, frightened girl who needs her big sister to look after her. If only my sister were here now, she would lay this Andrea on her arse!

'I just want him to stay away from me,' I say, my eyes meet hers.

Andrea raises her eyebrow as though she is fed up of the conversation already and she nods before getting up and moving away. Glenn looks down at me sympathetically and hands me a packet of food.

'You alright?' he asks, shuffling his feet uncomfortably.

'I'm not sure any of us are really alright, are we?'

Glenn holds out his hand to me and I grab it with my own. He pulls me up almost effortlessly and I rest against him as he walks me towards a couple of hard backed chairs near the windows. We sit down, my head pounding as sunlight starts seeping in from outside, cutting across my vision and acting like blades against my brain. I feel Glenn's hand rest lightly on my shoulder and I look sideways at him. 

'Look, I need to go out on a supply run with T-Dog. We are running out of water, which I should have brought back yesterday before I met you. I don't want to leave you on your own here with Merle hanging around, but there isn't anyone else who can go.'

I smile at the worry that is etched across his face, its been a while since anyone showed any type of concern for my wellbeing. It was nice to feel like someone cared. The briefest of memories pop into my head of my life with my family, but I push it back down. My head feels bruised and achy and all I want to do is sleep, but I am scared of letting my guard down to rest whilst that awful man is around.

'Take me with you, I can help.'

Glenn stares back at me, weighing up what I have just said, possibly wondering at how much of a burden I could be if he did take me with them.

'I'm not sure you would be able to keep up with us with how you look at the moment. You really should rest.'

I know Glenn is right, I really feel weak, but I can't stay around here on my own without him. He is the only one I trust, so I decide to lie to him about how bad I feel.

'My head isn't as bad as it was when I first woke up. I am in shock a little at what nearly happened, but I am fine. I feel fine. Like Andrea said, I need to move forward. Really, I would much rather be out there with the walkers, than in here with that man.'

Glenn breathes out deeply and he searches my face, before fiddling with his cap, pulling it lower onto his head. He looks out of the window, watching as the sun rises. I know he is wrestling with the dilemma in his head. Leave me here or take me with him. Both options have risk.

Looking back at me, he smiles before nodding his head.

'Ok, sure…but please, let me and T-Dog know if you need to rest.'

I smile brightly at him, not entirely sure I want to be out there either. At the moment, nowhere feels safe.

'Great,' I reply, 'When do we leave?'


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

The pounding in my head has decreased and I find that the bright shine from the sun is having less of a painful affect on me. My eyes still feel tired, and I feel like I could sleep for days, but I doubt I will ever properly sleep, especially whilst Merle is around. I am walking steadily behind T-Dog and Glenn, keeping my eyes and ears open as we cut through the lines of abandoned cars and wreckage left behind when people thought that they could escape what was coming. My eyes spy walkers up ahead and I tap T-Dog lightly on the shoulder, before pointing them out. We stay still for a few moments, weighing up our options before we alter our path and head towards the convenience store a few feet away. We have been walking for what seems like hours. My feet are sore, and legs are stiff, but I keep moving forward, always concentrating on where the guys lead me. I don't want to give them reason to regret bringing me out here.

I have never been the type of person who stands up for herself. Throughout high school, I was always the timid, quiet girl. I sat alone most break times and tried desperately to keep myself to myself. I was a boring, church-going, country girl. I was highest achieving in most of my classes and I was nicknamed the class nerd by most of my school year. I took the taunts and jibes to heart, but always remained resolute in my approach. I was never good at fighting my own corner and I never spoke much, but I was good at not showing them how their words could cut through me. I had a brilliant poker face, and this used to bother the bullies more. They wanted to see me squirm, they wanted to see me cry, but I didn't give them what they wanted, so the relentless taunting continued. That was until my sister stepped in, she heard what one of the girls in my year was calling me and she had stepped over and told her in no uncertain terms to 'back off' and leave me alone.

My big sister, only 18 months difference in age between us, and yet she was everything I was not. Beautiful, popular and tough! She never let anyone push her around. She had boys wrapped around her little finger, she was always my hero, someone who I aspired to be like. We may have been like chalk and cheese, but we were the best of friends, not just sisters. We laughed together, cried together and danced together. And then as I entered my final years, I felt like I wanted to change how I looked, I wanted to feel better about myself. So, my sister took me to have my hair styled and I changed my clothes, choosing tighter fitting clothing and items that were deemed fashionable. My light blonde hair was straightened, and I started to wear make-up at school. My father never agreed with us wearing make-up, so we used to hide it in our bags and apply it when we were on the school bus. Suddenly, with the change in my appearance, came boys' interest. I had girls coming over to compliment me on my clothes and I started to feel less like an ugly duckling, and I started to like someone who was confident and less pathetic. I have never been good with boys and despite me now being 25 years old, I have only had one boyfriend since leaving school. We were together for a few months, he was my first love, but he broke things off with me not long after I slept with him for the first time. Since then I have kind of distrusted guys, as he broke my heart. I realised that as I got older, I became more attractive to men, but I wasn't interested in anyone. I much preferred to keep myself to myself, and I much preferred to sing. I think again of my Father and the parting words he said to me when I told him that I was off to the city to try to make it as a singer. I don't think I will ever forget the disappointed look he had on his face…

My mind comes back to the present when a gun shot rings out not too far from where we are stand. Glenn and T-Dog look at one another, before looking back towards me.

'Where do you think that shot come fr…,' my words are cut off by T-Dog who indicates that I need to remain quiet.

We continue to listen, all 3 of us paused, ears strained, trying to eliminate all other sounds. The walkers who were up ahead are moving away from us, possibly in the direction of the gun shot.

T-Dog is the first to speak.

'Glenn, man, I think we need to keep moving. We are like sitting ducks out here.'

Glenn nods in agreement and we start moving forwards again towards the convenience store, even more conscious of the noises and shuffling around us. We step behind a white van, with Glenn peering out to make sure the coast is clear. When he signals that it is, we head into the darkened store. Glenn holds onto a steel pipe, raised just slightly above his head, ready to use it if he needs to. T-Dog is armed with a handgun, his arms outstretched and aimed as we walk through the store doors. Me, I have a meat cleaver, I am not sure I am confident enough to use it, but I grasp the handle tightly, my senses alert. Even though I am still alive out here, I have never actually killed a walker. I have been lucky enough to either outrun them, or I have knocked them aside. I really don't know how I have managed all this long on my own.

Glenn and T-Dog slow down in front of me, there attention drawn towards the back of the shop, weapons raised. I brace myself for walkers to come racing towards us and look in the direction of the others and then I see him. Dressed in a sheriff's uniform, hat sitting atop of his head and looking very much alive, is the man who I had left behind in the hospital. His hands are also raised, in them is a shotgun, which looks very much at home in his grasp. There is something in the way he looks, maybe in the uniform, or maybe in the steel gaze he holds with us all, but something tells me that I can feel safe with this guy. I let out a long breath of relief and step forward, dropping my weapon down to my side. His brows furrow as he sees me move closer and I smile at him, wanting him to know he can trust me. 

'Hello Rick.' 

Confusion shadows his features, just as a gunshot rings out behind me.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

My body hits the floor abruptly after being pushed unceremoniously by Glenn. I feel the air leave my body and I struggle to catch my breath. Pain travels through my chest and I wonder whether any of my ribs have been broken. I feel disorientated, my head still feeling tender after the thump that Merle gave me earlier on today.

'T-DOG! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PUT YOUR GUN DOWN'

'How do we know that we can trust this guy, man?'

I try to catch my breath, eager to help talk T-Dog down. He is standing behind me and I am struggling to see but I am guessing that the gun shot sound came from him and I am also guessing that he currently has his gun raised and pointed at Rick. I look up and I look at the guy I helped to nurse in the hospital. He also has his gun raised and pointed behind me at T-Dog. Glenn is half kneeling, with one hand on my back, trying to keep me down. I feel my breathing normalise and I start to push myself up from the floor by my hands.

'Stay Down, Jenni'

I push against Glenn, eager to get up from a lying down position. Slowly, I get myself into a kneeling position and eye everyone around me. T-Dog has his gun raised, sweat is beading at his forehead and he is looking frightened. Rick is remaining calm, there is no sign that he is stressed at all right now and I watch his gaze penetrates through the 'enemy' opposite him. Glenn is kneeled by me, both arms raised, as though he is trying to push each of the guys away from the other.

'Rick!'

He looks at me, his blue eyes assessing me. I feel a rush of admiration for this guy and I crave the authority that he could bring to our group. The way he is dressed, the way he stands, the way he looks; all of it speaks law enforcement and by golly, do we need someone in a position of power right about now.

'Do I know you?'

His words come out deep and clear, his eyes never leaving mine, but his gun still raised.

I gulp, wanting to explain myself accurately without coming across as a bit weird.

'No, you don't. But I know you…ish. I hid in the hospital for a good few months when all this shit first started and I found you in there, still hooked up to your monitors, still requiring drips to be changed. So, I did what I knew, I helped to nurse you for as long as I could. I had to leave you behind, I really didn't think I would see you standing here…'

I know I am rambling, but I want him to know that he can trust us, I want him to know that he can trust me.

'Do you know where my family are?'

His words come out a bit strained and I recognise the loss he feels from not knowing whether his family have survived this or not. I want to tell him something positive, but I don't have anything else to say. I drop my gaze and sigh deeply, before meeting his eyes again.

'I'm sorry, I don't know. Nobody else was in the hospital when we were there. By that time, most people had cleared out of the city or were…'

I leave the sentence hanging. I look at Glenn, I can't quite make out his expression, but he looks unsure about what is happening here. T-Dog still has his gun raised. We need to move on from this…not wanting to sound too much like an emotionless cow like Andrea but remaining in this stand-off is not going to get us anywhere.

'Lets all put our weapons, away shall we?'

'And have this guy blast our brains out? I don't think so!'

Glenn stands up, takes off his cap and strokes through his hair, obviously distressed. His stance is one of impatience and exhaustion. I wonder at how much sleep he has had since I first met him. He turns towards his friend and shakes his head slowly.

'T, lets lower the gun, shall we?'

T-Dog looks at Glenn and then back at Rick, still unsure how to proceed.

'Glenn, man, we don't know who this guy is!'

'I will put mine away first.'

We all look towards Rick, who has now lowered his shotgun and has placed it on the floor in front of him. Glenn and I look back at T-Dog and despite his trepidation, he also lowers his gun, placing it in his waistband. For a few moments, we all simply stand there not sure how we should proceed. My eyes sweep slowly towards Rick and I watch as he assesses each of us in turn before speaking.

'What are your names?'

Glenn looks back at Rick and closes the distance between them, putting his hand out in a gesture that says we are on the same team. Rick responds by putting his own hand out to shake Glenn's.

'My names Glenn, that's T-Dog and her names Jenni.'

'As she already told you,' his eyes meet mine and he points in my direction, 'my names Rick, Rick Grimes. I don't want any trouble, I am simply trying to find my family. I have been home, and they weren't there, but there were signs of rushed packing being done, so I am hoping that they have moved out of the city, so that's what I am trying to do too.'

Glenn looks back at us briefly, before responding.

'We are just a couple of people from a group who have formed in the city, we are looking at heading out of here too as soon as we can. You are welcome to join us, we could always do with extra hands to help move things forward.'

'GLENN, I'm not sure Merle would be happy with us bringing anyone else back with us.'

I watch as T-Dog speaks, thinking back to yesterday when I arrived and how unwelcoming he had been. I think again to this morning and remember the pressure his hand had made on my thigh. I shudder violently and breathe out deeply.

'Damn it, T, Merle doesn't have the groups best interests at heart. He only thinks about himself! We have been like sitting ducks for weeks now waiting for him to give us the instruction to leave and still we are kept waiting. Damn it, he tried to rape Jenni this morning!'

I feel the colour rise in my cheeks and I look instinctively at my feet. Why did he mention that? I clench my fists and my stomach churns, making me feel nauseous.

'Who is this Merle?'

Ricks attention is on me, his eyes have a sudden gentleness in them, and I watch him take a few steps closer towards me.

'Glenn says he is the leader of their group. I only really joined yesterday, but I get the impression that he wasn't keen for me to be there. People are restless, they want to move out of the city, but he won't allow it.'

I look back at Glenn, hoping that I summed it up correctly, and he nods at me indicating that I had.

'And this Merle, he attacked you today?'

Ricks is a few feet away from me and feel my heart begin to race just ever so slightly more than it should. Something about this guy makes me feel hope. There is an air about him that makes me feel safe, maybe it is the sheriff in him?

'Yes, he came onto me this morning, I just managed to fight him off. Not before he punched me in the head, though.'

I rub at the spot which I had forgotten about and feel the tell-tale pain, knowing that under my hair is a bruise.

Rick straightens, he is deciding, and I can see that he is weighing up his options. He could leave us to it, or he could come with us. I hope he decides to come with us, I feel like our group could do with someone like him around.

'Okay, I will come back with you. But I will not be told what to do, by this Merle guy. We round people up and then we head out! Anybody who doesn't want to go, gets left behind'

Glenn steps forward and taps Rick enthusiastically on the shoulder.

'Thanks Man, we really need someone like you to get us moving.'

I look around the darkened interior and make out still-stocked shelves.

'Let's get some supplies and then we can head back.'

I sound more confident than I feel. I have known Merle for less than 24 hours, but I know that Rick's presence won't go down too well. I just hope that we can avoid anyone getting hurt before we leave the city. Once out of the city, I can plan my route for home.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

As a group, we continue to move forward, weaving in and out of the cars, eager to pass through unseen and praying that we get out of the city unharmed. Rick leads us, his hands grip the gun he is holding, his eyes forward and focused. Glenn stands beside me, his cap pulled low, resting just above his brows, his concentration is also on the road ahead.

We have been moving ahead for hours and the day is starting to creep towards evening, the sky taking on a purple-orange hue as the sun starts to set. Soon we will have to find cover for the night, somewhere where we will be safe until the morning. My head is spinning, I feel the painful pull of sleep, but I shake it off. My body is way past exhausted, but I can't risk slowing down or stopping, not yet. Rick will tell us when it is safe to stop, he will know where to take us. My trust in him is immense, I know he has all our best interests at heart. His goal is to get us all out of the city unharmed. 

It has been only 3 days since we first saw him in the convenience store. So much has happened in that time. Our return to group was eventful. We knew that Merle wouldn't be happy with us bringing someone else back, but nobody could have foreseen how he badly he would react. Merle felt threatened by Rick, that much was clear, and he didn't keep his opinions of this new guy to himself. He flew in a tirade of insults which Rick reflected quite brilliantly. As I imagined, Rick remained calm and refused to respond. He simply spoke of his plan to leave the city the following day, and that he would welcome anyone who wanted to join him. Merle had called Rick a few choice words, before launching a few punches at him. He hadn't expected the sheriff to defend himself so effectively, and he had deflected the attack, leaving Merle lying on his back on the floor. All at once, the atmosphere changed, people in the room saw a new leader, someone who could lead us out and away from the city.

Myself and Glenn had climbed up onto the roof of the building we were on to get some fresh air. We were talking about what our lives were like previously, with me feeling more and more relaxed in his company. We were so engrossed in what we were talking about, we didn't realise that Merle had joined us up on the roof. We only realised he was there when he grabbed Glenn suddenly and launched him quickly and roughly towards the edge of the roof. I screamed and pulled at Merles arms before he brought his elbow back sharply, connecting it with my nose which exploded painfully. I fell backwards, hands cupping my face, as blood gushed down my face. I was on the floor, watching on in horror as Glenn was hung dangerously over the edge, his legs kicking at the ground. His hands were grasped around Merles arms, which were strained as they held onto Glenn. I scrambled forward on my hands and knees and I pulled at Glenn's legs, hoping that I could hold onto him. Merle looked down at me, and booted me swiftly in the face, pushing me down into a familiar area of black…

'You can't fucking do this to me!'

My eyes open, a feeling of deja-vu washing over me. The familiar feelings of being knocked out take over. I am light headed, my eyes are struggling to adjust to the bright lifts and my body is screaming in pain, especially my nose which I am guessing is a bloody mess.

'Hey, do you think you can stand up?'

Rick is looking down at me, a look of concern on his face. I try to smile but the pain from my nose makes it almost impossible. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to recall what happened. I remember Merle….I remember my nose breaking and I remember Glenn…

'Oh my god! Glenn! Where is he?'

A shuffle-sound from beside me gets closer and I see Glenn's face hover above me.

'Hey.'

'Oh My God, Glenn…I thought he had killed you.'

'Rick here made sure he didn't.'

I look up into their faces and I try again to smile. Pain rushes through my face and I feel like crying. Gently, I raise myself up off the floor and I feel Ricks hand on my back, as he helps to support me. My eyes take in the scene around me; Rick next to me with Glenn who both look at me with concern, Andrea talking to a few other members of the group talking animatedly, not looking impressed at all. T-Dog is looking off the rooftop, possibly assessing our next move. And Merle is sitting upright, his head lolling as though he is asleep. It dawns on me that he is unconscious.

'What happened?'

My head screams as I ask the question; pain is shooting across and I feel sick.

'I appeared just as that arsehole tried to throw Glenn of the roof and just in time I think.'

Glenn smiles at me and winks.

'Invincible aren't I, babe?'

I laugh uncontrollably, probably more than I should. I feel almost hysterical. I start lifting myself up off the floor and sway slightly, my head feeling just as heavy and dizzy as it did when Merle smacked me one a few days ago. Ricks hand remains on my elbow as I stand there, concern evident on his face. I smile reassuringly.

'I am okay, Rick.'

He smiles back, the light from the sun bouncing on his blue eyes and I feel the slight stirrings of attraction. I swallow it down as soon as it appears. This is a man who is on a mission to find his wife and son, he would never be interested in me. I steal myself away from him, releasing his grip from my arm and I notice for the first time that a pair of handcuffs are keeping Merle attached to the piping behind him. Rick follows my eye and signs heavily.

'We will have to leave him here,' he says.

I look back up sharply, hoping to see an expression of jest on the sheriff's face. But there is none.

'But…that would be like a death sentence. The guy is an absolute tosser, but does he deserve this?'

Rick looks back at me, his expression darkening.

'Jenni, he's a danger to all of the group. A man like him is never going to listen to reason. The best thing for us is so move on and leave him. Uncuffing him would be too dangerous. I can't risk any of us for him.'

I look back at the man who almost raped me a few days ago and I try to understand what Rick is saying. I know that as a group we have to keep moving forward, and we need to eliminate any potential threats, but can I really be willing to sacrifice this man for that?

'Rick is right, Jen.'

I turn and see Glenn who looks at me reassuringly before he continues.

'We need to get a move on, we have waited around here far too long as it is. Maybe we should put it to a vote though?' Glenn looks up at Rick as he says this.

Rick ponders this idea before nodding, indicating that Glenn should take the lead with this task.

Glenn gulps, knowing that some, like me, may object to leaving a man to almost certain death.

'Right Guys, gather round please…'

The group of 8 move closer and Glenn looks from myself and Rick before continuing.

'We are heading off shortly, hoping to reach the edge of the city by nightfall. We need to move quickly and without any further drama…We all know that Merle, here, has been holding us all back so we are going to be leaving him before.'

A motion of gasps and whispering is heard, but nobody has any objections to this proposal, even Andrea seems quite keen to leave him behind, as she voices.

'We can't afford to waste time on someone who can damage the group any further. Correct call to make Glenn.'

Glenn smiles briefly, before answering, 'Well, actually, it was Rick who made the decision, but it is for the best.

'And do I not get a say in this?'

None of us had noticed that the man in question had woken. We look over at him, as he tugs violently on the handcuffs that holds him in place.

'You fucking arseholes will die without me! I have kept you alive! A fucking slut and a pig copper come along and you guys turn your backs on me? Are you fucking kidding me? You lot would be DEAD already if it wasn't for me….'

Rick moves towards the exit off the roof, obviously not wanting to get into a conversation about this.

'You fucking wankers need to uncuff me right now…or I swear I will meet up with you guys again and I will kill you all!'

I make eye contact with Merle and I shudder at the look he gives me.

'And you….one day I will meet you again…and when I do, I will wipe that pretty smug smile off of your face.'

I want to answer him, I want to tell him how much I hate him, but before I get the words out I feel a hand on my arm pushing me forward.

'He's not worth it,' whispers Glenn into my ear.

And with that we walk away, the sound of Merle shouting obscenities ringing loudly in my ear. I know it is wrong to leave him before, especially when he has no way to defend himself but I also know that I need to find my family, if there is a family left to find. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

It has been two weeks since we left the city. We managed to get to the edge of the city during the same day, hours after leaving Merle on the roof of that building. Very quickly we learned that the surrounding areas were just as dangerous as the city. We have lost two members of the group already and we are living off cold canned food and whatever we can hunt, which isn't much. Morale in the group has plummeted since, but we keep moving forward, hoping that we will find some signs of other bands of people. Rick is always scanning the area, hoping to see his wife or son. I think sometimes he even thinks that he sees them; I see his face changing as he focuses on walkers in the distance or when we pass by a car with dead people inside. The realisation hits him when he realises it isn't them, a mixture of relief and sadness is visible on features and I see him break a little bit every moment we go without finding them. Glenn is partially talking to me after an awkward moment we had after we left the forest.

We had been so relieved at having left the city, finally, that we had all set up camp to rest up before marching ahead the following day. Glenn had asked if I wanted to help collect wood to stoke up a fire. I had agreed, and we ended up finding an expanse of water which was far too inviting. I knew the dangers of swimming in water with walkers potentially being hidden beneath the depths, but I was so eager to bathe my skin that I wasn't thinking at all. Within moments of finding the lake, I disrobed and stepped gingerly into the cool water. I welcomed the way it felt against my skin and felt almost euphoric as the water lapped against me. The only part of me uncovered were my head, neck and shoulders.

The moment was so intense, I had forgotten that Glenn had been with me. He had watched as I had stripped out my clothes and had remained unmoved, still staring as I bathed my skin. I looked up and our eyes met, a moment that felt right, at that moment. Suddenly, I wanted to feel his touch on my skin, and I beckoned him in, not thinking of what this would do to our friendship. At that moment, nothing else mattered. Glenn didn't hesitate and without taking his eyes from me, he removed his shirt, jeans and shoes; his half naked body moving into the water, getting closer and closer to me. I felt my pulse quickening, and my thighs quivered as he neared, my hands reaching for him and encircling his neck, as his went around my waist. All abandonment was lost, and we pressed our mouths together, whilst our hands moved up and down one another's bodies…but the spark I had been craving was missing, and within moments I felt like I was kissing a sibling. My hands movement slowed, as too did my kisses and Glenn pulled away, a look of confusion spread across his face.

'Are you okay?'

I felt nervous about telling him that I wasn't feeling this. I could see on his face that he was, and I knew that what I said next would cause a dent in our friendship.

'I'm sorry Glenn, I can't do this.'

Glenn's hands pulled away from me, but he remained close, his eyes searching my face for an answer to my sudden change of heart.

'I am sorry….'

I didn't really know what else to say, I felt lost for words and I didn't want to hurt him. I internally bashed myself for leading this kind, thoughtful guy on.

Glenn looked from my face back to the bank, and started moving away from me, not saying a word. I wasn't sure I was happy with this response. I didn't want the awkwardness of having to explain why I had changed my mind, but at the same time the silence from him was killing me.

'Glenn…'

He turned to me then and looked me squarely in the eye.

'Let me leave with just an ounce of self-respect Jen, yeah? I get it, you aren't interested…you kissed me and thought of your brother, yadda yadda yadda. Do you know how often I have heard that? I am always the friend of the hot girl…and that's it….Even during the apocalypse I can't get a fucking break….'

I didn't know what to say, so I let him walk out of the water without saying another word. I wish I could feel something for him. Glenn would never hurt me, and I know that he would be loyal, but I have always been looking for excitement. I want someone to really fill me with passion…someone who will keep me interested from day one. Someone who will piss me off and who I will lust over all at the same time. I know I am unlikely to meet that person when I am currently surviving in a world that has ended, but I can but hope. I left the water myself, redressed and went back to where the group were gathered.

It has been almost two weeks and Glenn hasn't spoken to me much, apart from asking me the odd question, or passing me food. I miss him. I know he is angry because I didn't want more from him in that way, but I miss him as a friend.

We are now packing up our camp, having spent the night before here. We are all rested and fed, so we are hoping to cover more ground today. There have been track marks along some of the roads caused by a vehicle, ones that Rick thinks are quite recent, so we are following those. Let's hope we find what we are looking for.

Rick sits down next to me, the sun setting ahead of us a reminder that the day is almost over. We have travelled some miles, but the tracks which we were following ended and we are now back to square one. I sigh heavily, my legs are aching from the hours of walking and I wriggle my shoeless toes. I look at Rick, and smile, although he is elsewhere in mind. The end of the day marks another one that he is away from his family and he is showing the toll of restless sleep and long days. Our backs are resting against the tree trunk behind us.

'Here.'

He hands me a can with a small portion of beans inside, my stomach groans and I accept the offering. In my past life, before the outbreak, I hated beans and now it is welcomed gratefully as though it is cake. I tuck in and Rick remains quiet next to me, allowing me to finish. After my final mouthful, I put the can to one side and wipe my mouth on my sleeve, knowing how unladylike I must have looked when I shovelled the food in.

'Thanks, I didn't realise how hungry I was.'

Rick smiles but doesn't look at me. His eyes remain fixed on the setting sun; eyes that twinkle and if possible, become bluer. I look at them transfixed, watching as the colour changes shade depending on the light hitting them. My mind wanders briefly, and I wonder how a kiss from Rick would feel. His eyes meet mine and the colour rushes to my cheeks and I look away quickly, putting my attention onto the grass beneath my feet instead.

'Is everything okay with you and Glenn?'

His voice comes out thick and strong, and I want to look back up into his face, but I don't trust myself. I have been conscious of my attraction to Rick since I helped to look after him in the hospital. Feeling like my own 'while you were sleeping' moment, I felt drawn to him, and I was more than just a little cut up when I had to leave him behind. And then when I saw him alive and well, my attraction for him increased. I know that these feelings will do me no good. I want to look at him, I want to grab him and find out what his lips taste of, but instead I continue to look down at the floor whilst I answer his question.

'Yeah, everything's fine…'

I choose to lie, because the alternative conversation would be too embarrassing. Its possible he may take Glenn's side and think that I lead him on, which in a way I suppose I did. Like most of my life, I jumped in feet first before thinking what the consequences would be. I had felt a feeling at that moment in the lake and rather than considering what it may do to mine and Glenn's friendship, I had dived right in and screwed things up.

I hear Rick sigh deeply beside me, a sound that tells me that he doesn't believe me, but I know he isn't going to probe me any further.

My eyes come back up and rest on his face, and I see that his eyes are still on me. I smile, a blush sweeping across my face again. There is a moment that passes between us, it is small and quick, I know that Rick is wrestling with himself as we stare at one another a little bit too long. Without meaning to, I look down at his lips and bite my own. His profile shifts and my eyes go back onto his. That moment lasted maybe a second, but my heart is reacting to him. My body is leaning towards him, our arms touch, and I focus on his mouth. Will I finally feel the excitement that I have been craving?

'I love my wife.'

I am pulled back to reality and look away from him.

'I know you do.'

'I am lonely…,' he says this with pain in his voice and I feel both guilt and regret for allowing the moment to be tainted again by my hunger to feel excitement with another person.

My hand feels for his and I grip it tightly, wanting to show that I understand, although I still feel attracted to him. We sit there for some time, our hands entwined. My heartbeat is returning to normal and I realise that I sit with a man who is craving the love of his wife. I am pulled towards him as he encompasses a man who is strong. He is someone I feel safe with. Are we mistaking our mixed feelings for attraction? When really, we are both wanting someone or something else? Maybe Rick will never be what I want, and I know for sure that I will never be his wife. I take my hand away from his, before standing up. I look out across the horizon and wonder where my family may be if they survived the outbreak. Our farmhouse was set away from the nearest town and I hope that this mean they are all safe. My Dad, my Sisters and brother were all that mattered to me, damn it…I even cared what had happened to my stepmother, and we had never been on the best of terms. I looked back down at Rick and I see that there are tears running down his face, my gut reaction is to comfort and to help him through his pain, but I feel at a loss as to what to do. Do I tap his shoulder? Do I hug him? Do I offer him a shoulder to cry on?

Sensing my pause, Rick looks up, rubbing his eyes briskly away.

'I'm alright…you should go get some rest before we head off again in the morning.'

And with that, I am dismissed. I display a sympathetic smile and leave him, as he suffers this pain alone.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

'Take your foot off the gas, Glenn! SLOW DOWN! '

I grasp the seat with both hands, as my driving buddy swerves along the road at great speed. My stomach is doing somersaults and I feel nauseous! Whose idea was it for me to ride with him? I close my eyes and try to control the dizziness.

'Jen, its fine! Don't fret, I was made for driving like this!'

I roll my eyes inside my eyelids and pray that we are nearing our destination soon, as I really don't think that I can hold on to the contents of my stomach much longer, and there isn't much there in the first place. We have been on the road for weeks, searching deserted towns for life and supplies, and silently trying to find a space to feel safe. We are constantly on the move, never able to let our guard down in case we are ambushed by walkers, or another group who mean us harm. It has been so long since I just paused, just for a little while. Even sleep is short and brief, as we rotate shifts to keep guard, meaning we are always in and out of sleep.

As a group stumbled across some people a few days ago, a nice couple who we swapped a few supplies with, and they had mentioned seeing a camp, with people who had appeared to have settled a few hours away. A discussion had gone down in our group after this, about what we should do about this information, and this had resulted in an argument. Andrea felt that we should head off in another direction, not wanting to possibly get ourselves into a difficult situation. Rick felt that we owed it to everyone in our group to try and join forces with these other people, knowing that may have other resources or supplies available, and the group split between who agreed with who. I had felt like a neutral player in this debate, not sure either suggestion was correct, and my head throbbed as people shouted across one another, nobody able to make a decision.

'Maybe some of us should drive off ahead and check it out, whilst the others remain here?'

The words left my mouth, and I wasn't entirely sure whether I agreed with what I was saying, but it felt like a plausible suggestion. I watched, almost timidly as the gang turned to face me. Andrea looked almost full of disgust at having to face me, but she nodded her head slowly.

'Julie is right.'

'It's Jenni, actually,' I said, knowing how pathetic I sounded. And just to prove this, Andrea rolled her eyes and tutted.

'Yeah, whatever. But seriously, she has a point.'

Andrea looked around the group, who remained silent. Some appeared to be thinking over the plan, others appeared to be waiting for the punchline.

'We have someone drive on by… check it out… and then come back here. If those who go don't come back within a certain amount of time, then we know that they aren't coming back and we head the other way. We don't wait! We don't cry over them! We move on!'

Andrea looked at me as she said this, her contempt for me evident and I realised that I may have just inadvertently put myself forward for the mission.

Rick looked at Andrea, nodded his head and started talking about the plan. A plan that involved us finding a car; there were a few lying around near where we were, and we managed to get it working with the help of Glenn. I think back to how awkwardly I had stood around and watched as he syphoned petrol from other cars, wanting to broach the subject of us two being friends, but not entirely sure how to start. He had sensed me loitering.

'Jen, you are kind of giving me the creeps…just hanging around me like that.'

I looked at him sharply, expecting to see a serious face, but instead I saw an open smile; friendly and familiar. I laughed, breaking the tension between us.

'I just needed some time to heal my male ego…we're good, okay?'

I nodded, smiling bashfully. I had missed talking to him, he had quickly become my closest friend.

'Yeah, okay,' I responded almost tearfully, and he punched me playfully in the shoulder.

'Come on, help me out…. I don't really know that much about cars. It just made me look useful, when I put myself forward.'

I laugh again, a deep, raucous laugh and before long Glenn is laughing too.

Luckily for him, the car we gassed up was driveable. Glenn and I decided to go ahead and see if we could find traces of the group we were looking for. The plan was simple; go on ahead, check out the group and see if they would be willing to include more members…always from a distance. We were only to check out and report what we saw. Nothing else. Our food supply was running low, we were low on muscle and we needed more numbers to help us to survive.

And so, yesterday myself and Glenn had headed off to search for the group that had been spotted. We drove for a few hours, all the time searching the roads for clues. Two hours passed, and then we saw them. A group of maybe 20 people, camped out on a dirt road. A Winnebago was parked up and a camp had been set up. I had looked over at Glenn and I was surprised to see that he was beaming. Glenn had the biggest smile on his face, and to prove how happy he was, he hit the steering wheel with his fist and jumped around ecstatically.

'Glenn, they may not let us join them,' I say, not really wanting to burst his bubble but I felt I had to dial down his excitement with a bit of reality.

'You don't understand; I know that van! It belongs to a guy who I met just after this all broke out! That is Dale's van! We will be safe here…'

I looked at the group, they appeared to be normal and there were certainly no signs of cannibalism (I had wondered how people may change living in a world like this) but this group looked safe. I wanted to trust Glenn's judgement, but I knew it wasn't safe to completely trust what you saw.

'So, do you think we should go back and tell Rick and the rest?,' I asked.

'Yeah, I think we can. I think we will be okay here…I really do.'

And so, we had gone back and told Rick and the rest of them. We all placed a lot of trust on Glenn and we discussed what to do if things didn't work out the way we hoped, but we decided that it was the only solution open to us.

That is why we are here, driving what feels like 100 miles per hour down a country road, towards a group of people that may or may not invite us in. My heart is racing, and not just because Glenn is driving like a race car driver. Whilst we had been out here the first day, Rick and the group had found a white van to transport them and they were following behind us.

'Nearly there…I can see the Winnebago up ahead!'

Glenn shouted this; his excitement clear to see.

'Are you sure this is going to work out okay, Glenn?'

I fear what might happen if they decide to turn on us.

'Of course, I am, Dale is a good guy…. he will see us right.'

'And what if Dale isn't there?'

I voiced what I was thinking out loud and I look over at him, worried that I had disrupted his good mood.

'I guess we will find out when we get there,' he says, eyes remaining fixed on the road, but finally releasing his foot off the gas, allowing us to slow down.

Turning my head forwards, I decide to remain quiet until we know what is happening for certain, and I watch with both dread and curiosity as I spot the camping vehicle up ahead. I steel my eyes away briefly to look sideways at Glenn, he is now looking worried but not enough to back out. In the side mirror, I see the white van in the distance, keeping back in case things don't work out.

'There he is!'

Excitement is coming back into his voice, as Glenn points out a man standing by the vehicle; he is wearing a sunhat, which helps shade his grey bearded face. He looks like someone who has just come back from holiday, as he wears a floral holiday shirt and shorts, but he also shoulders a rifle. And as he stares out towards us getting closer, he takes the rifle and aims it at us, looking down the scope. A moment freezes and I squeeze my eyes tight, expecting to hear the booming sound of gunfire…but when none come, I open my eyes slowly just as Glenn is pulling up just in front of his friend, Dale.

'Glenn!' his expression is one of happiness as he recognises the driver of this vehicle. His eyes scan my side briefly, probably wondering whether I am someone who can be trusted.

Glenn climbs out of the car and steps forward to man-hug Dale. They speak animatedly for a few moments as I sit transfixed in the car. People are moving forward towards us, every single one of them a stranger to me. They are wondering as I do; is she a friend or foe? Can she be trusted? And possibly, what can she bring to this group?

I note from the side mirror that the rest of the group have parked and have now started disembarking the van. I slowly remove myself from our vehicle also, and for the first time since I met her, I feel relieved to see the unfriendly face of Andrea. She looks at me briefly before her eyes focus on something behind me. The facial expression change to her takes me by surprise. During these past couple of weeks, I have never seen her smile, and now here she is with the biggest one on her face. She runs past me, and I turn as I see her run into the arms of a lady who has a familiar look to her. They embrace tightly, each one crying into the other one's hair. Its difficult not to feel emotional over this display and my heart aches as I remember how much I am missing my own family. The faces in front of us appear to be welcoming and I watch as a mother talks to her son. There are tears streaming down his face, and I get lost in the display.

'Rick?,' a male voice I don't recognise calls out our group members name.

And then they turn, mother and son, looking behind me, both appearing to look shocked. I turn and see Rick mirroring their expressions…and then instantly, I realise that this is his family. This is who he has been looking for. Tears fall down my cheeks way before they run to one another. Rick has searched for so long for these two, he has hunted day and night, never giving up…and here they are, embracing one another, relief flooding through them as they acknowledge that each other is safe. I don't even try to compose myself and I let the tears streak down my face. I feel an arm go around my shoulder and I rest my head against Glenn, knowing that this moment is being felt by all of us. We have all witnessed this man's journey as he searched for the people he loved. All is right now. We connect to this group, some in more ways than we could have ever imagined. Seeing these people reconnect gives me hope. Maybe one day, I will find them. Maybe one day, I will be hugging my own family.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

'Shut the fuck up!'

I cry harder, tears streaming down my face. I am scared. I am heading back to the city, against my will by a guy who terrifies me, to find a guy who tried to rape me.

Trying to not anger him any further, I gulp the tears down, but I end up sobbing more. The car swerves to the side of the road, the brakes are slammed on with force and I am rocked forward, my head connecting with the dashboard. Pain engulfs my head instantly; I think I have cut it open. Rough hands push me up against the door, pinning me in place. His face is angry, and I fear that he is about to hit me. I grimace against him and he yanks me back towards him, his face inches away from mine. I feel his breathe on my skin, and I dare myself to look into his icy, cool, blue eyes. They penetrate my skin and I see how much I repulse him. I want to beg him to not hurt me, but I feel the act would be futile… I feel like this guy wants to do nothing more than hurt me. To him, I am nothing. I am more than nothing. I feel how much he hates me, and I want to crawl away from him, but he is strong, and he holds me in place. How did I ever think that I would be safe within that group?

'If you don't shut the fuck up, I will hurt you. You are a fucking whore who led my brother on and got him chained up on a roof, like walker fodder... You are going to take me to where you left him, and then I will decide whether I let you live or not.'

I force my breathing to calm down, I don't want to piss him off even more than I am doing. He slams me back against the seat, my elbow connecting with the arm rest, causing me to cry out. I choke my tears down and force myself to straighten up, placing my back against the seat and looking out of the window in front of me. I feel his eyes on me, and he is obviously satisfied that I have heard him because he restarts the car, driving us onwards.

Sitting still, with my eyes closed, hoping that sleep will take me away from this horrible situation for a while, my mind plays over the events that led to here.

Our welcome into the group had been quite uneventful. Families were reformed, friends were telling their own 'Walker' stories and before long we all settled in. The group had several people and in the few days that I was there I got to know a few of them. Dale, although suspicious of us at first, was a good guy. Someone who could be relied upon to offer rational thought and advice. Glenn and I set up camp, and although we knew not to cross THAT line again, we knew it was safer for us to bunk up together, so we hitched a makeshift tent for two.

Andrea surprisingly was a little more hospitable after being reunited with her sister, Amy. She had even been friendly towards me, even getting my name correct when she addressed me. Her sister was friendly and approachable from the start, if not a little nervous at times, but I liked her.

Rick appeared to be happy that he had found his family, but there was hidden tension still behind his eyes. There was a rumour that his wife, Lori, had moved on when she thought Rick had died. According to Glenn, she had a very close relationship with Shane, who was Rick's close friend from the force. Nobody knows for sure how close these two got, but tensions are high between the two friends, with Shane stomping around a lot and causing arguments when decisions are being made. It appears that he was a leader type within this group, before Rick came. The pair buttheads a lot, but now things seem amicable, at best, between them. I can sense that it is only a matter of time before things come out in the open.

Amongst the group are other survivors, people who are living each day, trying to survive the best way they know how. I was one of them, I was living each day as best as I could. Fetching wood for a fire, hunting birds or helping to prepare food. Every task made the day go faster, otherwise it was an empty day, where I was forced to sit waiting for life to begin properly again. I have hope that my life will return to normal one day, but I know that life can never… will never be the same for any of us. I watch as families huddle together of an evening, or as Andrea jokes with Amy…even when Lori kisses Rick, and I see everything that I am missing. My Dad used to give me the best hugs, they made me feel safe and protected. My Mom was always my champion, she helped to style my hair for school, but never agreed with the make-up. My siblings; we laughed and joked and argued. We hated each other sometimes, but we always looked out for one another.

It was during a moment of contemplation, when tears were streaking down my face as I sat thinking about my family that I felt a rough hand grab my arm. I was brought back to reality by a guy pulling me up to standing position. I was shocked by this sudden assault and I failed to hear what he was initially saying, but I could tell that he was pissed.

'Fucking bitch…'

Other words came but I just stared at him; I wasn't sure what was happening, but I was suddenly very scared. I wished my sister was there, she always looked after me. She would have known what to do. I snap out of my shock and snatch my arm away from this intruder.

'You want to tell me why you left my brother on a fucking roof?'

I blinked at him slowly, my mind racing. Pictures of a roof flashed in my mind. A roof where I have been. And then I saw him. Merle. The man who had tried to rape me. The one who had almost thrown Glenn off the roof. This aggressive person in front of me was his brother. I looked around and saw with relief that Glenn and Rick were rushing to my aid. Within moments, they were in between me and my attacker. Rick held onto both of his arms, pushing him backwards.

'Daryl… Daryl… Calm Down.'

This came from Dale; he had appeared from nowhere and I felt my colour rising. Glenn had come close to me; his face close to mine.

'Jen, are you okay? Did he hurt you?'

There was shouting behind us and I could see that this guy, Daryl, was taking swings at Rick. The sheriff held his own and ducked away from each punch. The greasy, filthy looking guy with blue eyes looked back into my direction and sneered, pouncing towards me.

'Get him away from me,' I scream, fear etched into my skin.

Daryl was held back, not just by Rick, but by Dale too. And shortly afterwards, Shane appearred and joined in with calming him down.

'If you calm down, we will explain why we did what we did.'

Rick tried to control the situation, but I feared that there was no way he could calm down this man. Daryl looked ready to kill, and his eyes were on me. I beat myself up inside for not being a stronger character.

'You left my brother on a roof… chained up like a piece of fucking meat, and you want me to calm down?'

Rick sighed heavily, knowing that this wasn't going to be an easy conversation to have.

'We had to make a decision that was best for the group. Your brother was a law unto himself and he put others in danger. He tried to force himself on Jenni, and then he almost killed Glenn by throwing him off the same roof he is chained to.'

Daryl shrugged off the people who held him, his strength knowing no limits, and he aimed and connected a punch with Ricks face. All at once, blood spurted from him, obvious that damage had been caused to his nose. Stepping back, holding up his hands, Rick chose not to retaliate. Daryl was wrestled to the ground by Shane, who sat on his back, arms pinned behind him.

Looking straight at me, anger deep in his features, Daryl grinded his teeth.

'That bitch led my brother on, and that Chinese guy probably had it coming to him.'

'Korean,' Glenn responds, looking determinedly back at Daryl.

'Whatever fuckface!'

Glenn laughs, 'Yeah… you're Merles brother alright.'

'What did you say?'

Daryl squirmed again underneath Shane, his chin grazing off the floor. Determination was etched into his face. This guy was angry, and to be honest, I think I can understand it. Members of this group have been reunited with their family and friends… and now he's found out that his brother is alive; or at least he was when we chained him to that roof.

'I'm sorry,' the words became trapped in my throat, but I regret what has happened. I don't feel any remorse for Merle, but I can see that this guy is hurt by not having his brother here with him. I empathise with him and I want him to know that I am sorry for that.

Glenn looked at me, both shocked and impressed.

'You're sorry! Really? Is that all you have bitch? Fancied a bit of rough, did you? Wanted to take my brother on, but changed your mind at the last minute and called rape?'

His words came out, sneered at me. The look on his face was one of complete hatred. I feared what this man could do to me, he doesn't care who he lashes out at. He just wants to make sure those who wronged his brother, pay.

Glenn stepped in front of me and quietly suggested us moving away from the scene. I allowed myself to be led away, but I didn't feel a sense of relief like I should. At some point, they will release Daryl and I will always feel like I am on guard, just as I did with Merle. Can I never just feel safe?

After some discussion between Rick, Dale, Shane and Daryl, it was agreed that he must stay away from me, unless he wants to be thrown out of the camp or worse. No actual threat of harm was made, but the insinuation was there. As they walk on past, I caught Shanes eye and he looked at me in a way that made me shudder. I couldn't place what he was thinking, but I know he doesn't like me. He is added to the list of people I need to keep an eye on. Only a few days have passed since we got to this camp, but it is starting to feel less safe as time goes on.

Glenn remained with me the rest of the day, always mindful of where Daryl may be. He kept to his word, he stayed away from me, although his angry stare made me feel sick to the stomach. Night-time came and we all settled down. Glenn got up in the night to pee and I was left alone in our tent. I stared up and tried to bring on sleep, but I was too wound up. I sat up as I heard movement coming into the tent, hoping that Glenn was awake enough to talk, but I froze in horror as I saw Daryl kneeling in front of me, a hunting knife pointed at me. I wanted to scream and shout, but I knew that he wouldn't hesitate to use the blade on me.

'Get on your fucking feet, and move!'

'What? Why? Look, Daryl..'

I didn't get any more words out, as he cut them off by hitting me hard around the face. I thought my nose was about to explode from the force of the hit. My head spun, and stars appeared in my vision.

'Up! Now!'

The voice was deep and assertive…but he remained quiet, not wanting to bring attention to us. I realised that I was never going to get out of this, I needed to do as he said. So, I got to my feet, shakily, as I felt a bit dizzy after he struck me, and he led me forcibly out and past the camp. My feet tripped over one another, my head still spinning. I thought I was going to throw up, but Daryl kept me upright, a hand clenched tightly around my arm pulling me with him.

'Please…'

Tears formed in my eyes, and I want to shout for help, but I couldn't. I knew I would anger him more if I did.

'Shut up.'

'Please, don't hurt me.'

Daryl abruptly stopped, turning me towards him. He grabbed my face with his other hand, the one which wasn't gripped like a vice around my arm, causing bruising that I know will be there for weeks. I fought to break away from him, but he held me tight, his icy eyes showing no remorse at all.

'Now, you listen to me, whore! You are coming with me to find my brother. When we find him, I will let him decide what we do with you. You think you can go around dick-teasing guys and getting away with it? Play nice, and maybe you will walk away from this.'

He shoved me roughly away from him before dragging me towards the vehicle in front of us.

And here we sit, in a car heading back towards the city. A place I fought to escape from. I really don't know what awaits me there, but strangely enough the dozens of walkers don't bother me. It's a couple of guys who have my fate in their hands and I have no control over it whatsoever.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

My arms ache from them being tied in front of me, and I am finding it difficult to get comfortable. I feel the cold penetrate my skin and I hate that I have no way of warming myself up. When I left camp, the weather was mild, so I am only wearing jeans and a vest top. My Goosebumps are the type that can be sore. My teeth are chattering, and I feel exhausted from the lack of sleep.

Daryl is asleep a few feet ahead of me, his light snores can be heard. We have set up a small camp just outside the city. I have been told to keep watch, although no turns have been allocated. My head is aching, and I am struggling to keep my eyes open, but I don't want to become an easy food source for any passing walker. The ride thus far was uneventful. I found my best option was to keep my voice down, and just do exactly what Daryl said. The drive was unbearable; I was hot and sick, my head pounding from the smack he had given me, and my bruised elbow was swollen, which was making movement on that arm difficult.

The sun is rising in the distance; we have been here for a few hours. How many? I couldn't even put a number on it, I feel so sluggish. Daryl ensured that I was roped up to the tree behind me before he headed off to find food. His choice of delicacy was a lot to desired, as I watched him gut and eat the insides of a snake. He had offered me some food, but I had declined, which came with a response of, 'Suit yourself.'

A creak in the woods behind me has my ears pricked. Its possible it is a passing animal, but it is also possible that a walker has found us out. I try to listen closer, waiting for any tell tale signs. The first sign I have is the smell, which is an acrid, rotting flesh scent. I strain my neck, trying to look behind me, hoping that its not about to gnaw on me. I want to alert Daryl to its presence, but I am not sure how to do it without alerting the walker further. I hear the shuffling feet on the leaves behind me, as the walker steps closer and closer. I manage to move my feet around, slowly hunting for something I could use to throw at Daryl. Ideally, the walker would come by and eat my kidnapper, meaning that I was free to leave, but it would be impossible to get out of the knotted rope that ties me to this tree. I listen again to the footsteps and note that it sounds like its only one walker, not on top of me yet, but not far away. I struggle slowly against my restraints, and then I see it. Not too far from my feet, lying amongst the leaves is Daryl's hunting knife. I use the heel on my right foot to slide it closer to me, I then use considerable effort to raise it so it is resting on its handle. I keep my feet firmly on either side, whilst I rub it against the rope around my wrists. A few moments are all it takes for the rope to snap, and with that I am able to pull the rope away and stand up untethered.

And there I stand, hunting knife in hand, free from the binds, with my kidnapper still asleep on the floor. It dawns on me that this is now when I can escape. I step tentatively backwards, trying not to crunch the leaves too much underneath. Each step is painfully felt and heard by myself and I know that any moment I will wake Daryl up. I hate to think what he might do to me if he sees me trying to escape. One step leads to another, and before long I am out of the clearing that we have camped in. I am low down, searching for the walker I heard and then I see them. Not one, not two, but four. All of them heading in our direction. I slowly and quietly move away from them, heading through the trees, eager to get away and make a head start before he wakes up.

And then I stop.

I want to run.

I probably should.

But do I want to be responsible for his death?

Daryl and his brother are bad men, who knows what they might do to me when we finally get to that roof. And yet… Does Daryl deserve to die like this? Woken from slumber, as walkers chow down on him?

I tell myself I need to run.

I scream it at myself inside my head, and yet I feel my feet backtrack. I turn around and head back slowly. I know I will regret saving him, but I would never live with myself for letting him die. The clearing looks the same as it did a few minutes ago, Daryl remains sleeping, but the walkers are getting closer. They are beyond the clearing, shuffling along slowly. They haven't noticed us yet.

I breathe deeply, hoping that I won't end up dying by the hands of this man, hoping that me saving him will change his mind about me, just enough so that he wont kill me.

I edge closer towards Daryl, kneeling beside him and I slowly reach out, tapping him on his arm. He awakes instantaneously, grabbing me forcefully and pulling me down onto the ground beside him, anger is penetrating through his features, his body covers mine and I start to think that maybe I made a mistake…..part of me wants to panic, but I find my voice and whisper the warning to him.

'Walkers… past the clearing.'

He looks down at me, his body on mine and I see the confusion etched in his face.

'Keep quiet!' the order comes out with authority, but some of the anger has gone.

Whilst Daryl listens intently for sign of undead, looking around whilst remaining in position on top of me, I take the time to look up at my kidnapper. I breathed rapidly, listening for signs of the undead…. but I can't help but stare up at him.

Daryl's dark hair is cut short, with sweat beading on his forehead. The man looks like he needs a good wash down, and yet, his scent is not bad. Sure, it's a mixture of dirt and days old sweat but there is something quite nice about it. I steer myself away from my thoughts, as I feel shock at how this guys smell is attractive.

Where on earth did that come from?

I am lost in thought, my eyes on Daryl's face, neck and shoulders, so I fail to notice when he stares back down at me, not until his eyes are on my eyes. The cold eyes now look inviting and I feel my pulse quickening. A grunt is heard from Daryl, as he roughly gets off me, breaking eye contact and dismissing the moment. I lie there, looking up at him, confused by my sudden feelings towards him. Maybe this is that thing that abductees get when they fall in love with their captors…. Maybe that's what this is? But all at once, it is over because within moments he is back to roughly grabbing me, shoving me forward and barking orders. The walkers have moved off in another direction and we are safe to move back to the car.

I shake my head at my stupidity, this man is everything that I DON'T want. I am so keen on being close to someone that I even look for it here, in the arms of a man that repulses me… and yet, even as I think of the word repulse, I try to think of a lesser word for it. Not repulse exactly, but I don't like him… I don't like him at all. And yet, when I close my eyes in the car as we are heading closer to the city, I see those blue eyes of his.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

The scene in front of me is like something out of a horror movie. On the floor, next to the spot where Merle was handcuffed is a severed hand. I stare at it way longer than I intend to. We now live in a world where the gory and horrific is almost an everyday occurrence, but I have never witnessed the aftermath of an act of a desperate man. I have no idea how he got access to a blade, but Merle must have been determined as hell to break away from this sky-high prison. The hand is already greyed in colour and I wonder how long-ago Merle got away. Blood must have oozed violently from his stump and I wonder how he is surviving without pain relief and sterile dressings. It is mere moments since we first got to the roof, and in that time, we have both been quiet.

On first seeing the horror, Daryl screamed in anger and frustration. His eyes are leaking salty, hot tears and he clenches his fists angrily.

'Damn it, Merle!'

Taking me unawares, he kicks violently at his brothers' ex-hand, causing it to travel with speed up and off the building. His breathing comes out fast and sharp; his back is to me, but I imagine that he is silently crying, both in frustration and fear. I wonder whether I should approach him, but then I remember that he kind of hates me, and I am scared that his anger would be too much. Its possible he read my mind, as he has now turned to look at me. Those steely blue eyes are back on me and I don't have to guess at what he is thinking. His hand goes to the hunting knife on his belt, and he swiftly brings it out.

'If it weren't for you leading my brother on…'

Daryl doesn't finish his sentence; his anger is too intense. I reckon his vision is probably blurred by a red tinge. I put my hands up instinctively in defence, not quite sure how I can talk him down. I know that this isn't my fault, but the man in front of me isn't ready to hear that. Suddenly, he rushes towards me, grabbing me around the throat with his free hand. The force in which he comes at me with knocks me off my feet, and I land abruptly onto my back, feeling shooting pains rush through my core. It takes less than a second and then Daryl is on top of me, his grip still around my throat, constricting my breathing. I kick my legs, but his weight holds me down. The knife is brought closer to my face, inches from my eyes. I blink away from them, not able to move my head as he pins me down.

'I should kill you! I should fucking leave you here like a piece of fucking meat!'

I hear his violent words, but my breathing is feeling laboured, so they sound slightly muffled. My hands have come up claw at his chest, trying to push him off me. I hear the clanging of metal, as he drops the knife to the side of me. Relief rushes through me as I realise he isn't going to use it on me. I look at his pleadingly, hoping that he will relax his hold on me, allowing me to get more breath. My head is spinning, and I am seeing black dots in my vision. Daryl isn't strangling me, but any moment now I will lose consciousness, and the thought scares me.

'Daryl… Please…'

His eyes are drawn onto mine, anger glinting off them. My emotions are torn; this man scares me, probably more than what any other person has. And yet, I can't help but stare back. His hand moves from my throat, resting on my shoulder, still holding me in position. My breathing is becoming easier and I relax my hands on his battered old shirt and I close my eyes briefly. I feel his body position shifting, and I open my eyes again. Daryl's face is now inches from mine, his left hand is moving down my side, before resting on the top button of my jeans, whilst his right is sliding down my chest. My mind is numb with disbelief. What on earth is he doing?

'Daryl…'

My body is frozen, memories of Merle putting his hands on me flash through my mind and I try to swallow down the panic that is rising inside me. Not like this. Please don't do this. I hear the pleading, I want to get the words out, but my mouth is dry, and I am scared. The knife still lies close by, and I wonder whether he would use it on me if pushed. It suddenly seems like a more favourable alternative. For the past few days, I have watched Daryl with fascination, but I see how angry he is, I see how much he despises me; and I don't want him to take me like this. His hands continue to roam, but his mouth is set in an angry line; his eyes dark and broody. I need to get him off me, I need him to stop. But still I feel paralysed. My body is in shock, my head still reeling from the lack of oxygen and my natural defences are acting as they always do; by doing nothing. I rage at myself inside of my head, I shout at myself to fight back, but I just lie there. My arms have dropped down, I want to show that I am not wanting this.

'Fucking like a bit of rough, eh bitch?'

His hands roughly rip my shirt, revealing my filthy bra underneath. Tears well in my eyes, before running down my cheeks.

'STOP!'

The words burst out of my mouth, part raspy, but loud enough to make an effect. Daryl glares at me, his mouth twisting with rage.

'Please… Daryl… I don't want this… I did want it with your brother either… Please…'

My words come out with scared sobs and I look at my attacker pleadingly.

'You are the reason why my brother is walking around out there without a hand! You are the reason why my brother was even up here on this roof. You are a fucking slut! You want this! You wanted my brother! FUCKING ADMIT IT!'

And then, out of nowhere comes anger. But not from Daryl…. he is already angry. This anger is new and hot and scary. This new emotion is coming from me. Suddenly, I am incensed at what this fucking maniac is saying to me. All I have ever wanted is to survive. I have tried to keep to myself, only really talking and bothering with Glenn, and yet in the matter of months I have been molested, abused, beaten up… and with every punch I have shielded my face and cried. I have looked away and never once fought back and now… this man is blaming me for what has happened to his brother. This new feeling is surging through me and I feel braver… Fear is still etched into my pores, but I want to fight. This man will not make me a victim. Its possible that my family are out there waiting for me, and I will not let Daryl ruin my chances of getting to them.

'Fucking get off me!'

Daryl looks at me, surprised. But the fleeting look is gone as quickly as it came and he continues to hold me down, pressing a bit harder.

'Changing your mind again, bitch?'

My nerves are on fire; how dare he! Using all my strength, I kick my legs violently before bringing my hands up to smack him around the face. Instantly he grabs my wrists, pinning them beside my head. I look up into his face, knowing that my repulsion of him is mirrored.

'You are just like your fucking arsehole of a brother.'

I am shocked as the fighting words come out of my mouth, but I don't stop.

'That fucking sicko attacked me. He stalked me whilst I was sleeping and shoved his filthy hands between my legs. I told him no, but he didn't listen. That is attempted rape! You can tell yourself all you want that your brother didn't deserve what he got, but he did! And I hope he's out suffering with the pain from his stump!'

'Watch your lip, little girl!'

His eyes remain on mine, but the anger has reduced a little. Has what I said sunk in?

My breathing is fast, I am angry! For the first time in my life, I am really angry. I want to punch and kick this motherfucker. Not just for now, but for all the years that I haven't reacted when someone said something to me. The anger from my relationship break-up. The anger from when I left home. The anger from when Merle attacked me. Not exactly thinking about what I am doing, I use my strength to roll my body to the right, breaking free from underneath Daryl. He tries to grab me again, but I turn around quickly and punch him directly in the nose. The impact is exactly right, causing Daryl to instinctively put his hands up to his face and I watch fascinated as blood spurts out from between his fingers.

'You fucking bitch!'

Our eyes meet, I am angry and ready to fight if he comes at me again. But I also feel regret at hurting him. A part of me is still in there… This world needs me to not be scared… or at least not show it. I need to fight. I want to live. I want to survive. I want to be around for when I find my family. Because I know they are out there. I feel it in my heart.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

We sit silently down the road from the farmhouse, hidden out of view. The house stands tall like the world has remained the same around it. The large, white and grey house looks bright and welcoming, as the hot, sun reflects off it. My heart is racing. We have finally made it. We have finally got here. And yet, we don't rush ahead. We don't make any noise. We don't alert anyone to our presence. We simply sit and watch.

It has been almost 12 months since Daryl took me off to find his brother. We made our way back to camp after the discovery on the roof, neither of us talking to the other. Daryl's nose had been pretty messed up, and I had felt a twinge of guilt, but I was also proud of my newfound courage. It was safe to say that me and Daryl still don't like one another much. We keep our distance from one another, only speaking when passing out food or taking requests for supply runs. It is a silent acceptance between us, and I welcome the quiet, drama-free life. Sure, we have lost people along the way, but I have felt a strange, new feeling of strength come over me. A feeling that I have carried along with me ever since. I am still that scared little girl underneath it all, but I am also capable of throwing a punch, and I can now hold my own better than I ever could before.

I remember the look on Andrea's face when I first told her what I thought of her. This was days after she went back to being an impossible bitch. I had empathised at first; she lost her sister brutally and I wanted to help support her. But she quickly turned on me. I don't think she realised that I could bite back, but bite back I did. It got so intense between us, that we were almost fighting before Daryl grabbed me and Rick grabbed Andrea; both pulling us away from one another.

'Get off!'

Andrea had pulled herself away from Ricks arms, facing me whilst I was still held by Daryl. I was conscious of how close he was to me physically and I could feel the heat from his body on mine. But I never took my eyes off her. Andrea scowled at me, her hatred of me very apparent on her face.

'I have never liked you. You lead guys on, screaming rape when the feeling takes you. And you strut around with the air of someone who thinks she is above everyone else. You think people like you around here? They think you are a joke.'

The words penetrated my skin and I tried to keep my face neutral, not letting on that what she had said had got to me.

'Fuck you Andrea… You are the one that nobody likes… They pity you, because they all liked Amy. She was a nice person, and she made you seem almost bearable when she was alive. Stay the fuck away from me, if you hate so much!'

Andrea squirmed past Rick, managing to get closer to me. Her fists were clenched, and I braced myself for her to throw the first punch.

'At least I had family! Who do you have? I have heard you talking to Glenn about your Dad and your sister. Do you really think that they are still out there? Do you really think that they have managed to stay alive? You are fucking demented!'

Andrea had well and truly touched a nerve; my anger had peaked, and I wanted to scratch her eyes out. Daryl's grip tightened around my waist, possibly reading my facial expression. I looked at him, shook my head and breathed out, showing him that I wanted to walk away from the situation. Grunting his acceptance, Daryl released me, and I started walking away from her, trying to control my emotions, hoping she stayed away from me.

'That's it whore, walk away…!'

I remember I asked myself quickly and without delay, what would my sister do? And knowing the answer, I turned around quickly, took two paces towards her and punched her with force in the face. Her head reeled, and she went off balance, almost collapsing to the floor. My hand had tingled, and I instinctively rubbed it against my thigh, just as Daryl started pushing me backwards, away from the possible retaliation. But Andrea simply scowled further at me, holding her lip which was now bleeding, before walking off and away from us. I like to think that my actions had helped to confirm that I would and could fight if I needed to.

Over time, we have moved around as a group. Looking for supplies, other survivors and for somewhere we could feel safe for a while. Tensions between Shane and Rick were still palpable, with Lori and Carl in the middle of it all. It was obvious from those on the outside of the relationship that this group wouldn't survive with both wanting to be the leader. But nobody voiced these opinions, especially as Shane made a lot of us nervous. Throughout the last year, I have found it difficult to conversate with him, and I have deliberately avoided him. When he is around, I feel uncomfortable. I still get the feeling that he doesn't like me very much.

I have started to feel at home with this group; I have made friends and I feel like I am safer with them all than without. Especially when I am around Glenn. He is my one and only true friend in the group, and he is always there to offer a shoulder. We laugh so much when we are together, and I miss him when he goes out on supply runs. We like the same things and talk about the television shows we used to watch, and the music we used to listen to. Without Glenn, I would be adrift and lost amongst these people. Without Glenn, I doubt I would have survived up to this point. I will never forget that it was he who found me. And I will never forget that he unwittingly saved me, not only from the walkers, but from myself.

We are still all sitting out of view from the farmhouse. We are looking for signs of life. We are looking for glowing, healthy skin, alive eyes and a walker-free zone. My eyes roam over the house, taking in the upstairs window where I used to sit as a young girl. I look at the porch and picture my father reading his bible, as us children played outside. I look over towards the shed, where we used to hold a few chickens and a cow. I pull up memories of my mother collecting fresh eggs and milk each day. Games of hide and seek flash into my mind, and I smile as I remember the conversations I had with my sister about boys and make-up. I want to run inside the house so badly, I want to find them out; each and every one of my family. I want to hug them and squeeze them to me. I want to feel safe in my fathers' arms, and I want to see the look of relief wash over my mother's face.

But I am afraid. I am afraid of finding them gone. I am afraid of seeing a walker in place of my brother. I am afraid of having to fight off my walker sister, knowing that I must deliver a fatal blow. But more than anything, I am afraid that my father will remember his last words to me. I am afraid that even after the devastation the world has witnessed, my father will still be disappointed with me. He will still hate me, and he will not want me back home.

Four years it has been since I was last home. Four years. It feels like it should be longer. I remember leaving here, anger and sadness trapped deep inside me. My sister had run after me. She tried to talk me out of leaving, telling me that I should talk it out with Dad more, but I knew that there was no point. My Dad has always been stubborn with his opinions, and I knew that I couldn't change what he thought.

For most of my academic life, I had followed the path that he wanted me to go down. I had been in medical school for over 18 months as a Junior Doctor, but my heart was never in it and so, despite knowing that my father would hate me for it, I dropped out. The conversation I had with him when I told him went exactly how I expected it to. He wanted me to beg the university to take me back. He wanted me to shake some sense into myself and go back! But I couldn't. Me being a doctor had been his dream, not mine. So, I had told him that I wanted to be a singer. I look back at this stupid ambition and my cheeks blaze crimson with shame. A singer! I laugh now, but at the time I was eager to do anything that was out of my comfort zone. The room had gone silent and I realise now how stupid this decision was, but I wanted to do something that I had made the decision about. We had a big row, My Dad and Me, he told me I was selfish. He told me that I was a disappointment and he told me that if I didn't do as he said, then I would no longer be welcome in his home.

The words cut deep, and I shouted at him, telling him that he was suffocating. I returned his comments back at him, telling him that he was a disappointment as a Father, and reminded him that he was more concerned with how things looked to the people in his congregation.

I was shocked, I was angry, I was hurt, but I did what he told me to. I packed my bag, despite my mother yelling for him to change his mind. My sisters were crying, my brother was sat in silence. My father never even looked at me as I left the house, he turned his back on me, the daughter who had brought him shame and embarrassment.

And here I stand, outside his home. The home that used to be mine. And I want to approach and ask to be let in, but I am afraid of what his answer will be. I shake my head, knowing that the people in this group are relying on me to step forward, they are hoping that I can convince my Father to let us stay. We all need a safer place to camp, and here with my family is one of the safest places I have ever been. I just hope that if my Father is in there, that he welcomes me back.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

Taking deep breaths, I walk slowly towards the house which used to be my home. We as a group have kept vigil near here to make sure the place is safe. It was a few hours after we arrived, when I finally saw her. Blonde hair, blue eyes… She was skipping around the front of the house, singing a song. The words drifted out to me and I smiled at the memories they conjured; she has always had a magnificent voice. I waited a while before I approached, partly out of fear of rejection and partly just so that I could observe her for that little bit longer. When she finally bounded back up the porch steps and inside, I felt a deep longing that I hadn't realised were there.

I knew I couldn't stay watching forever, especially as members of the group were starting to become restless. So, I took a deep breath and walked out towards the house. I take in the look of the building in front of me, which shows no signs of 'walker' destruction. It looks just as it did when I left. Images of my last moments here run through my head and I feel a mixture of shame and fear. The walk towards the house feels infinitely longer than it should, and I keep my eyes pinned forward, never taking my eyes off the front door. As I get nearer, I see a figure race out, stopping on the porch, staring out at me. She holds a rifle in her hands, ready to defend her home if needed. But the gun is never raised towards me, because she knows who I am. The look on her face mirrors my own; happy tears stream down our faces and within moments we are racing towards one another, falling violently into each other's arms.

'Maggie!'

My voice comes out choked, and I hold onto my sister tightly, frightened that if I let her go, then she won't be real.

'J, I can't believe it's you! We thought… With you being away… we just never thought that we would see you again.'

My heart tugs painfully in my chest and I feel overwhelmed with guilt for leaving them all. I hear movement behind us, and I untangle myself from Maggie's arms and look around her to see Beth staring down at me. She was just a child when I last saw her, and now she stands here before me, blossoming into a beautiful young woman.

'Jenni?'

I cry harder, feeling the tears streak down my cheeks and I move forward towards my baby sister and pull her to me, hugging her tightly as I did with my older sister. So far, this reunion has gone well, I almost don't want to ask where everyone else is.

'Maggie! Beth! Get on with your chores, please.'

I hear the strict voice of my Father and I turn to see him looking directly at us. The face I see has weathered a little over the years, but there is no mistaking my Dad. I feel a wash of love come over me for the man who I have always looked up to. Minus the years when I went AWOL, we had a good relationship. He was always the person who made me feel the safest, sure he was strict, but I knew that what he did and said was only because he cared about us all fiercely. My Father looks at me, but he doesn't smile, and he doesn't welcome me with a hug. He simply turns and walks back into the house. I feel my heart break and I want to cry at the injustice, but I know that my own selfishness all those years ago has resulted in this. I had hoped that he would be so happy to have me back safe and well, that past arguments would be forgotten, but obviously not. My Dad has always been a stubborn man, and I know that I have my work cut out to get him back on side, if I even ever can.

Looking back towards the area beyond the clearing, where some of my group are laying low, I signal for them to remain hidden. I need to speak to my family about everyone else joining us here, and I need to make a good argument. I just hope my Father can bear to hear me out.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

I look out from the porch and watch as people mill around, settling into a new home. Lori is sitting next to Carl and Sophia, reading them a book. T-Dog is chopping up wood for a fire, and Glenn is making eyes at my sister, Maggie, who appears to be making eyes back. Everyone is getting on with it and living their lives the best they can. We are safer here than where we were, but we all know that we can never really be completely safe. There will always be the same dangers, we will always still be looking behind us before we retire for the evening. We will still be checking the trees and the distance for signs that walkers are approaching.

My Dad wasn't enthusiastic about the group moving onto the grounds at first, but he knew that the children would be safer settling for a while, so he agreed that they could stay temporarily.

His conversations with me have been minimal. One-word answers mainly; 'yes you can sleep in your old room'. 'No, I don't have anything else to say'. That type of thing. I know he blames me for leaving, I know he refuses to take any responsibility for what happened between us. I can see how much he is disappointed in me. And I think he holds me partly responsible for what happened to my Mom and Brother. Sure, I wasn't here when it happened, but he knows how much I broke my Mothers heart by leaving and the fact that I didn't make peace with her before she died is an obvious betrayal to him.

My mind goes back to a view days previously, when I entered the house on that first day. I saw that there were no other people around; only Dad, Beth and Maggie and somehow I knew that there wasn't anyone else to welcome me home, but I asked anyway.

'Mom? Shawn?'

My Dad turned towards me; his eyes boring into me. I could see that he was angry and hurt. He remained tight-lipped and simply muttered that he was going for a lie down. I watched him walk away, a deep sadness setting deep within my chest. I wanted to run to him, throw my arms around him and have him tell me everything was going to be okay, but I feared his rejection.

Maggie was the one to break the silence, whilst Beth stood to the side, her eyes full of sadness, and drawn down to the floor.

'J… they didn't make it.'

My heart hurt and I clutched at my chest, as tears fell rapidly from my eyes. I knew. I already knew that they weren't here. I could just feel it, but I wanted more than anything to hear someone tell me otherwise. I wanted to be told that they were simply out getting supplies, or upstairs sleeping. My grief was raw and painful, and I tried to conjure up memories I had of my Mother and Brother, but I saw nothing. I simply felt heavy, dark grief. Maggie reached towards me, putting her arms around my shoulders and hugged me to her.

'Mag… I should have come home sooner… I should have been here.'

I felt my sister stiffen beside me, her arms still around me, but I felt a slight frostiness coming from her. Pulling myself away, tears still streaking down my face, I looked up at my sister who stood a head above me. I saw that she was struggling to compose herself and refusing to make eye contact with me.

'Mag..?'

Maggie looked me square in the face then, and her expression was almost identical to our fathers. She was disappointed and angry.

'J… I love you… and I am so glad that you are home, but life has been hard for us. And whilst you have been out there, living whatever life you deemed more important than this one… I was here. I took care of Beth and Shawn. I didn't go to college or work. I was here when the shit happened. The town was destroyed, and I watched as our family struggled to survive. I tried to nurse Mom back to health…'

Tears are brimming from her eyes, and I remain silent so that she can let out the many years of pain she has experienced and witnessed. My guilt is eating away at me. In the grand scheme of things, the past seems so surreal and far-fetched. I wanted to be a singer! I was a selfish fuck! I want to make amends, but I don't know if I will ever be able to.

Maggie turns from me, tears still streaming down her face.

'Look, J...you are here now. We cant change what has happened. Dad will come round, you just have to give him time.'

I nod solemnly. Time is all we all really have now... we just don't know how long that time will be.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Sitting on the step outside my fathers house, I survey the people who are currently habiting the farm. A couple of weeks have passed since we got here and everyone is adapting well. There have been few dramas, and we have managed to keep the same number of people without someone being chomped on by a walker. My eyes wander over the crowd, and I don't notice when someone sits close beside me. His voice makes me jump and I turn abruptly towards his roughneck appearance.

Daryl.

'You got nothing better to do that sit here daydreaming all day?'

The accusation is normal from this idiot and I simply grimace at him and turn away. The mere sound of his voice annoys me. The way he draws out his words, the way he looks...in fact, I can honestly say that I am far away from being a fan of his.

But I see him.

I see how hard he works to help out around the group. I see how kind he is with the children. And I see and hear how he throws himself in dangers way when it comes to fighting for us all. I turn back to him, and see him staring back. A part of me melts when I look into his eyes again, and I silently berate myself making eye contact. Its not the first time that I have noticed the colour of his eyes. Not the first time that I have fleetingly wondered what his skin would feel like if I touched it. I try to remain cool and nonchalant as the eye contact between us lasts a few seconds too long. I want to say something that will explain why I am staring. I want to say something other than I get lost a little when I look at him. This is Daryl... I cant have feelings for him. He annoys me...

'What the fuck you looking at?'

And then just like that, the feeling disappears and I feel a surge of relief. This guy is so not for me. I roll my eyes dramatically, telling him that he bores me, before I stand up and make my way back into the house. And yet, as I walk away, I could swear that he is watching me go.

I won't turn around.

I want to.

But I wont.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

No... It shouldn't be like this. Not with him. I try to struggle away from him, but he pushes me further into the bed, his fingers cutting into my skin, leaving their mark.

I came here willingly, but I changed my mind. I told him no, I told him to stop. But he has no intention of stopping. No intention at all.

'Please...'

The only word I can get out, as my mind goes into a blind panic. I feel the shirt rise, as his hand slips underneath. I hear his breathing against my cheek and I freeze in fear at his touch.'

'Shush... You will like this... Just trust me.'

But I don't trust him.

I don't trust him at all.

I have never trusted him.

I want to get out of here. I am trapped in my bedroom. The door has been locked from the inside, and nobody will find us in here as they all outside. I hear the muffled voices and wish I was stronger and less afraid so I could shout for help. But this guy scares me. The hand he slipped under my top is now wrestling with my bra, his fingers are tucking underneath, bringing the cups upwards so they rest above my breasts. He laughs into my ear and the sound chills me.

'Fuck... You have nice tits.'

I breath quickly, and my heart is racing. I am scared. I should be putting up a fight, but I cant bring myself to move. I am frozen to the spot.

'Please...'

I beg again.

'Please... I don't want this...'

His laugh repeats and I feel as his teeth bite down on my neck, causing me to squeal in pain. The bite is a warning. He is going to do this whether I want it or not.

The hand is twisting my nipples painfully, and I feel hardening at the top of my thigh. I have never done anything like this before. I wanted to have sex, but I chose the wrong person. I was trying to kid myself, trying to kid how I felt...how can I undo this? I start to push against him, but he simply puts more pressure back. One hand is still resting on my breast, whilst the other lowers to the button on my denim shorts. Quickly, he pops it open, before teasing the zip down. I try to protest, but he covers my mouth with his. I taste him, as his tongue dips in and out of my mouth. The taste of alcohol is strong and I gag. There goes that laugh again, before he bites my lip painfully. I taste blood mixed with the filthy taste of him and I feel my stomach churn. His lower hand slips into my shorts and finds an area that I don't want him to touch. I want my sister, she would fight him off for me. I push again, trying to pull his hand away from me. His patience is running low, and I am shocked into submission when he slaps me across the face. Looking down at me, his face is downcast. He is angry. But I think he was angry before he even came into here. I shake with fear and tears spill from my eyes. I stare up at him.

'Please...'

It is all I can manage, before his hand comes up to grip tightly around my throat.

'Hard way, or easy way, bitch! Your choice!'

I cry a little harder, but I nod slowly. I don't want him to hurt me.

He smiles, but he looks almost manic. I fear this man. I have always felt uncomfortable around him. Why did I flirt with him? Why did I lead him up here? I know why... But none of it matters right now.

He relieves some of the pressure as he lifts himself off my briefly, but only long enough so that he can lower my pants and shorts. I am naked beneath him and I feel a rush of shame. Instinctively, I cross my legs, trying to hide myself. The act brings out another laugh from him, and I turn my head away, staring at the wall. I don't want to see him looking at me.

'Sit up!'

I look back abruptly, caught off guard by his request.

'Sit UP!'

I do as he says, and look up sheepishly at him.

'Take the rest off.'

Controlling my emotions, knowing that I will only anger him more, I lift my top off. I delay slightly with my bra, not wanting to be completely naked when I remove it. But knowing that I don't have any choice. I take it off gingerly, letting it drop to the floor, and all at once I cross my arms across myself, trying to hide away from his glances.

'Very nice.'

I hate him! I hate this! I want it to be over with. I want to turn back the clock and change my mind. His hands push me back roughly onto the bed, and he removes his own shirt. I see the tattoos and the toned chest. This is what I wanted right? Should I try to make myself enjoy it? I know that it would be impossible. The very sight of him repulses me. I lie still, arms wrapped across my chest, legs crossed and I stare up straight ahead. I can hear him removing his trousers beside me. Within seconds he climbs on top of me, pushing my clamped legs apart so he can place himself between them. I want to hide. I want to cower away, but I can't. I am on display. Grabbing my arms roughly, he pushes them to my side, so that my body is open to him. Blushes rise up to my cheeks.

Get it over with!

I want to shout it out loud, but I can't find my voice.

His right hand comes up and rests on my breast, twisting the nipple. His left hand travels slowly up my thigh, before it reaches the spot between my legs. I inhale in shock as his fingers slide around before he slowly inserts a finger inside of me. The pain is immediate. I want it to stop. But there is no chance of that happening now. In, out, in, out. I feel as he speeds up, and although I hate this, the pain is lessening. His thumb on the same hand circles around the outside whilst he still pushes in and out of me. I don't want this. I hate him. And yet, the feeling is not pain. The feeling is something else. The feeling is almost okay. No, the feeling is good. I feel shame rush through me. Why am I enjoying him raping me? Why?

Working on me with his hands, he notices the change in me.

'Enjoying that, eh?'

I blush deeper. I don't want to enjoy this. My body is betraying. The pressure on my nipple plus the invasion between my legs is creating a sensation that I have never felt before. He takes his fingers out of me, smiling at me. That same menacing smile which makes me fear him. He is enjoying this way too much. He knows I don't want this, but he is getting off on my body saying otherwise.

'Feel this.'

And with that, he lowers himself so that his mouth is level with the area where his hand just was. I try to ignore it. I try to focus on anything but what he is doing, but as his tongue slips in and around, I feel a twisting sensation deep in my stomach. As he pushes his tongue around me, I feel his fingers enter me, creating even more sensation. I want this to stop. Please. Please stop. I cry in shame, tears streaking down my face, but he doesn't relent. I unwillingly bite my lip, trying to ignore what is happening below my waist. The suckling, licking and entering is creating a fire in my stomach that I have never experienced before, and I want him to stop. I don't want to feel like this with him. The sensations are proving too much, and I feel heat rise up inside of me. I grab and twist the bedding underneath me. My mind wants this to stop, but my body is enjoying the ride. Why can't stop this?

And then it happens... my first orgasm... at the hands of a man I hate. A man I fear. I feel the shudders rip through my body as he continues to assault me with his mouth. Lifting himself up and above me, I see the smug look in his face, before he grabs me roughly by the face and then slipping his tongue into my mouth, forcing me to taste myself. I feel the familiar churn in my stomach. I feel sick.

'Is this over now?'

I sob. I shake. I want to get away from him.

'No... now, its my turn.'

And then he enters me, and the pain causes me to scream out. The noise I make is quickly stifled by his hand, and I watch through teary eyes as Shane stares down at me. The pain makes me want to kick him off of me, but he holds me down. I must wait until he is finished with raping me.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Days have passed by slowly since I was raped by Shane. That day, after he had finished, he had simply got dressed and left without a word. I had stayed in my room for the rest of the day, feigning illness so that I could be left alone. I have not uttered even one word of what happened to me. Not one. I know that if I do then it could cause hurt or confusion within the camp. I had gone willingly with him up to my room. I had wanted to have sex for the first time. I wanted to know what it was like, and my initial conquest had been Daryl. Despite me denying my feelings for him, I couldn't deny that he had caused me to think of him in a sexual way. At least I HAD thought of him like that.

When I had approached him, he had been as brash and annoying as usual. I am not really sure what I expected from him, but I thought he would be easy to seduce. I had ended up embarrassing myself. And with my pride in tatters, and with anger towards Daryl, I had ventured over to the other single, younger male in the group. At first, I thought it had been what I wanted. I had flirted, and asked if he wanted to go somewhere quieter. He had agreed immediately, and followed as I led him to my bedroom. I had led him there, and I had locked the door so that we wouldn't be disturbed. But as we started kissing, and as he started to touch me, I had felt nothing but repulsion. I had simply gone with Shane to get back at Daryl, but I changed my mind. Shane was having none of it. After calling me a tease, he had raped me. But who would believe that I didn't want it? Nobody would believe me.

And so, the next day, I had taken the approach of my sister. I had brushed myself off, stood straight and held my head high. When I first saw Shane, I had felt panic and fear rise up inside me, especially when he looked at me with that smug face, but I simply walked away. Almost a week has passed and I have decided to stay out of his way. The memory of what he did has stayed with me, but I wont let him win. I won't let him beat me. I changed my clothes and got on with it. And here I sit, atop my dads old car, sipping on a bottle of whiskey that was hidden at the back of cupboard, under the sink. It doesn't taste very nice, but it is creating a nice haze around my vision. The edge is wearing away slowly, and I smile at the warm feeling that is travelling over my body. I stare down at the bottle and notice that the almost full bottle is now almost empty. I laugh hysterically. I don't really know why it is so funny, but I collapse in a heap on the grass, tears starting to fall.

'Are you drunk?!'

The voice is authoritative! Oh Oh! Busted!

'No, Dad... Of course not.'

I look up into the face of my father, who is staring down at me with the usual disgust and disappointment etched for me to see. I roll my eyes at him dramatically. The treatment he is giving me is getting tedious. I am back now! Why does he have to keep punishing me?

'Can you ever just act like a decent person?'

I stare at him with the same amount of contempt on my face. I stand up, swaying slightly but desperate to not give him the satisfaction of seeing how right he was about my intoxication.

'Dad, can you get off my case for just one day?'

Anger flashes across my Fathers face and I see the effort it is taking for him to control himself. It may be the wrong type of emotion that I have gathered from him, but it is something and I want more.

'You know, I have been back for weeks and you have failed to treat me like your daughter. I get it, you were disappointed when I left, but I am back now. Why cant you just move on Dad? Oh wait...it's because you blame me, don't you?'

'Not NOW!'

I watch as my fathers jaw tenses. He is struggling to hold it together, but he refuses to give in to me. The anger penetrates my body, and I feel all the hurt, resentment and shame come out and at my father.

'No, Dad... Now is the perfect time. You blame me for leaving. You blame me for turning away from the family. And don't tell me... you also blame me for their deaths. Which, by the way, I think is fucking laughable really. I wasn't even here... so really, the blame should be with you, seeing as you were here and you did nothing to...'

The sentence is cut off by the stinging heat in my cheek as my Fathers palm connects with my skin. His attack was quick and hit the mark. His eyes are fiery, and he grabs my collar, pulling me to him roughly. For the first time in my life, I fear him. I look up into the eyes of the man I have always looked up to and I see a stranger. I pushed him to this. I am feeling low after everything that has happened lately and I pushed the only one that I should be trying to build bridges with.

This man in front of me doesn't appear to like me very much. The realisation hits me harder than the slap. I see the clenched fist that he holds down beside me, and I wait for the blow to come.

'You selfish, little...'

The hand moves...

'DAD! Don't... Let go of her. Dad, please! Don't do this!'

Maggie is beside us, reaching out to our father, pleading with him to release his grip on me. I stare teary eyed at my family and see how my selfish actions all those years ago caused a divide between our family. They are on one side, and I am on the other. And I have no idea how to bridge that gap. I pull away from my Father, noticing the pain and anger and hurt on his face. Deep down, I know he loves me, but right now he fails to even look at me. I watch as my sister guides him away from me, walking him back to the house. A crowd has gathered, and I scan them briefly, shame and embarrassment coating my skin. Shane is there, smugly looking at me. I have never felt more alone, than I do right now. I turn quickly and run towards the trees that edge the forest near our home.

I need to be alone.


End file.
